IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

These days, many people in western countries are obese. What are the causes and solutions of this problem?

#people #countries
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the current
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 a large
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
number of
people
Use synonyms
 have
been
Verb problem
become
show examples
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 where they live in
first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
show examples
Use synonyms
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
. why is
this
Linking Words
 happening
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
 and math metal issues. There are a number of solutions which should be implemented to deal with
peple
Correct your spelling
people
 in developed
country
Use synonyms
's
country
Use synonyms
's
people
Use synonyms
 who has overweight.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the reason for obesity in developed countries is the unhealthy
diet
Use synonyms
. In modern
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
 fast food processed
foods
Use synonyms
 and
high sugar
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
foods
Use synonyms
 are widely available.
In other words
Linking Words
, these
foods
Use synonyms
 are cheap and easily having that leading
people
Use synonyms
 to choose
these unhealthy
Change the determiner
this unhealthy diet
these unhealthy diets
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
peple
Correct your spelling
people
 psychological factors
also
Linking Words
 owing to
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 them overweight. To put it simply many
people
Use synonyms
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overeat
Change the verb form
overeating
show examples
 to relieve emotional stress especially
choosin
Correct your spelling
choosing
choosin'
high fat
Add a hyphen
high-fat
show examples
 and
high
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
show examples
foods
Use synonyms
. There are two effective solutions to the problems of
first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
show examples
country
Use synonyms
's
people
Use synonyms
 obesity. One way to tackle
this
Linking Words
 is
ensure
Change the verb form
to ensure
ensuring
show examples
 that
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
promoting
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
 healthy eating habits through education To illustrate schools or workplaces can organize the benefits of a
balance
Correct your spelling
balanced
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
 event Another method of dealing with physical activity.
Goverments
Correct your spelling
Governments
 can
promotes
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
 active lifestyles
such
Linking Words
 as marathon road cycling The solution would
hopefuly
Correct your spelling
hopefully
 reduce
people
Use synonyms
's fat and
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 emotional stress. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 promoting
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 organizing physical activity events are effective in dealing with
this
Linking Words
 issue If
Correct your spelling
governments
government
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
 implemented these solutions
developed
Change preposition
in developed
show examples
Use synonyms
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 overweight would soon drop
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
There are a number of grammatical and syntactical errors that need correction. For example, "have been obesity" should be "are obese".
examples
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention a specific unhealthy food item or a successful government program promoting healthy eating.
structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows logically to the next. For example, discuss psychological factors and their impact on obesity in more detail.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the topic well.
content
The main causes and solutions for obesity are addressed, showing an understanding of the issues.
content
Efforts to promote healthy living through education and physical activities are well noted.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: