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Band 4

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for thier future. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #money #thier #future
People
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
 should pay attention to
store
Wrong verb form
storing
show examples
 currency for their future living. I firmly agree with
this
 notion because it guarantees their lives in ageing.
In addition
, it helps them to spend their lives in adulthood independently. First and foremost, storing cash prevents the need for others after recruitment. In fact, when the young will become old, they can afford their special expenditures by themselves.
For example
, in Iran, despite that old individuals suffer from types of illnesses
such
 as high blood pressure or heart disease, they can pay for the vast majority of medical services.
Furthermore
, everyone will experience peace and serenity approaching provided that they save payment , particularly some parts of their income in youth.
That is
, having currency allows them to provide the best facilities for themselves and their families.
For instance
, mankind
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 able to purchase reasonable houses and cars or enrol their children in high-quality schools. In conclusion,
although
 storing cash , especially for youth seems difficult, doing it is better
due to
 it allows people to preserve their self-esteem, and they can support their costs.
Besides
, they enjoy a peaceful life
in
Change preposition
apply
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eventual
Change the word
eventually
show examples
.
Therefore
, I agree with the idea that
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 should think about future years, and save their money
Submitted by raha.roham1994 on

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task achievement
Your response addresses the task and provides relevant examples. However, there are some grammatical and lexical inaccuracies that can affect clarity. Focus on improving sentence structure and word choice to enhance comprehensibility.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is mostly clear, but some points could be more clearly linked to ensure smooth transitions. Work on connecting your ideas more seamlessly to improve flow.
task achievement
Your main points are supported with examples, but you could benefit from more in-depth reasoning and explanation. Try to elaborate on your points further to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
Your essay discusses relevant examples and situations, adding specificity to your points.
task achievement
You have successfully highlighted the importance of saving money for the future and its benefits.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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