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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important reason/factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#factors #people #workforce #money #reason #factor
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Most
people
 earn
money
 for various reasons. For some
people
, they take up jobs in order to keep their lives, and part of
people
, doing jobs can give them more than
money
. In my opinion,
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 that encourage
people
 to stay in the
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
 are not only decent salary but
also
 achievement. Plenty of
people
 have to do jobs if they would like to maintain their daily expenses and have a better life
Therefore
, the job is a means to an end, it might have less to do with its value and significance. In the case of poor
people
, they have to find bread-and-butter methods,
that is
 " job" to bring up their children and attend to their families.
As a result
, the first thing they consider is how much remuneration
this
 job could pay.
Besides
, college students are likely to take
money
 into consideration in the first place because they have to earn tuition without their parents' support.
This
 kind of situation often reduces them to burning the candle at both ends because they have to keep a balance between work and study.
On the other hand
, for
people
 who have worked in companies for a long time and have already deposited adequate
money
,
money
 is not the only inspiration for them to remain in the workplace. They might be longing for validation from superiors and have a chance at promotion. In
this
 stage, pursuing and fulfilling achievement is the most valuable for
people
. After all, if only they could have a crack doing things to which they have never exposed themself, their lives would advance
further
. In conclusion,
people
 who are in their preliminary stage might amass their wealth and thereby, making
money
 is more important than other things.
However
, as long as they are capable of affording their subsistence and have extra time,
people
subsequently
 chase their goals of the dream. Working is not merely for making
money
 anymore.
Submitted by hayashidajinja820 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure every paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that each idea transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Try to vary your vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the essay’s readability and depth.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and effectively summarize the main points of your argument.
task achievement
You successfully address both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure that makes it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • career advancement
  • pension
  • job satisfaction
  • sense of purpose
  • social connections
  • workplace relationships
  • intellectual stimulation
  • societal norms
  • earning potential
  • motivation
  • livelihood
  • financial independence
  • professional growth
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