IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

With the advances in science and technology, people from different ends of the world can communicate with each other. What is your opinion on the impact of technology on our lives? Do you think that these advances only result in positive outcomes?

#advances #science #technology #people #ends #world #impact #lives #outcomes
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
As new
technologies
Use synonyms
 have been making progress,
people
Use synonyms
 get plenty of benefits from these new skills and new stuff.
However
Linking Words
, new
technologies
Use synonyms
 are not always beneficial to
people
Use synonyms
 and new problems often
attend
Verb problem
arise from
show examples
 new inventions.
In other words
Linking Words
, there are two sides of every coin. New
technologies
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as computers, cell phones, and iPads make our lives more convenient and these products can even broaden our horizons.
People
Use synonyms
 can receive a variety of knowledge on the internet and use it to communicate with other
people
Use synonyms
 from foreign countries without limits for space and time as well.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 from one country could have a chance to be exposed to different cultures compared to the more close past life.
Additionally
Linking Words
, there are many entertainments entering into our life. Children play video games, students go to see movies, and adults have dates in amusement parks. These recreational facilities and machines appear
as a result
Linking Words
 of
people
Use synonyms
's creation.
Conversely
Linking Words
, as I have mentioned every new invention often is accompanied by new trouble.
For example
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 the computer brings or changes
people
Use synonyms
's lifestyles and it has a positive effect in some aspects,
such
Linking Words
 as
people
Use synonyms
 can have various activities at a remote distance and it is not necessary to attend events in person, it brings about laziness to
people
Use synonyms
 and makes them bother exercising their bodies at the same time.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 might be obsessed with games and would rather stay in their comfort zone than go out and have social events with other
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is one of the disadvantages that technology may bring to
people
Use synonyms
. Another significant problem is that
technologies
Use synonyms
 give rise to damage to the environment. As more and more
people
Use synonyms
 use sundry electronic equipment from which these products consume a large quantity of electricity which compels
people
Use synonyms
 to build up extra energy-producing machines and take up enormous land which breeds undermining of animals' habitats. All in all, creations are a means to an end for humans. Even though humans create a great number of things, new problems will occur and face
people
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, not every technology can have good advances and be helpful to the earth and the most important thing is that if we do not apply them properly, these
technologies
Use synonyms
 are likely to cause unexpected aftermath to humans.
Submitted by hayashidajinja820 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both sides of the issue, providing a balanced view. However, a more nuanced exploration of the impact of technology on specific areas of life (e.g., social interactions, workplace productivity) would enhance completeness.
task achievement
While your ideas are generally clear, some sentences can be rephrased for greater clarity and precision. For example, 'new technologies are not always beneficial to people and new problems often attend new inventions' can be made more concise.
task achievement
Using more specific examples would bolster your arguments. For instance, mentioning particular technological advancements like social media platforms or renewable energy solutions would add depth.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly by using transition words and phrases more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While you did well in presenting main points and supporting them, make sure to link your ideas more cohesively. For instance, use phrases like 'on the other hand,' 'furthermore,' and 'conversely' to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective, but the introduction could be made more engaging to capture the reader's interest early on. Consider starting with a striking fact or quote about the impact of technology.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view, addressing both positive and negative impacts of technology, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You used relevant examples to support your points, such as computers, cell phones, and iPads, which effectively illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is clear, with distinct paragraphs that address different aspects of the topic. This makes your argument easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively sums up your arguments and reinforces the main points, providing a strong end to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: