Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that
education
fees for students lead
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
spending of the
government
, which should prioritize the investment in leisure
activities
for young people.
This
essay disagrees with that suggestion because schooling is far more important than entertainment.
Education
is a necessary part of human being development. A citizen with no
education
and with a weak level of schooling
can’t
be more beneficial for society than someone who is an expert in entertainment.
However
, the term “
education
” has to be well-defined. Indeed, materials taught at school don’t only involve knowledge
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
science or literature, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
provide a strong awareness concerning the way of life and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
respect for the other, qualities that are essential for anyone and, that
can’t
be learnt on a soccer pitch or on a theatre scene.
For instance
, a majority of professional football players become ruined after the end of their careers because of the lack of
education
they are featuring. These
last
generally don’t know how to invest their money and find huge difficulties in finding jobs in other sectors. It is true that extra-time
activities
like the practice of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
or volunteering might be consequential for a balanced spirit.
However
, the principal aim of
government
is to bring up reliable citizens with an upvalue for the whole community. The point is that politics
can’t
be involved in every aspect of someone’s life. There is a fundamental structure provided by the country for its inhabitants like
education
and health care infrastructures. The
government
can’t
get involved in everything though.
Furthermore
, extra
activities
are allowed and encouraged at public schools,
such
as associations and sports
practice
Fix the agreement mistake
practices
show examples
.
For example
, high schools and universities are distinguished by their official sports teams and numerous tournaments are regularly organized. In conclusion, the
government
should give priority to the improvement of public
education
. In fact, a powerful country goes inescapably through well-educated people.
Nevertheless
, training at school
also
gives a certain knowledge in art, sport and plenty of other extra
activities
.
Submitted by namoisma on

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task achievement
Ensuring all discussion points are clearly linked back to your central claim will strengthen your argument. Although you present your points clearly, reinforcing the connections between education and societal benefits will improve the essay's effectiveness.
coherence cohesion
Integrate more varied sentence structures to enhance readability. While your sentences are correct and well-constructed, more variety will maintain reader interest and help clarify complex ideas.
introduction conclusion present
The essay starts with a clear introduction that presents the writer’s stance effectively. You have succinctly introduced the main argument, which sets a clear direction for the body paragraphs.
logical structure
The paragraphs are logically structured, and each point supports the overall argument. Your use of transitions helps guide the reader through your thought process smoothly, which is commendable.
relevant specific examples
Your essay includes relevant and specific examples which serve to illustrate your points, such as the mention of professional footballers. These examples add depth to your discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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