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Writing Samples
Band 7

2. Today children are surrounded by electronic devices such as personal computers, tablet computers, and smart phones, and they learn to use them at a very early age. What are advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

#children #devices #computers #tablet #phones #age #situation
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The usage of gadgets
such
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 as laptops, tablets, and cell phones has become common among young ages.
While
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 some emphasise that these
devices
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 include benefits, I disagree with
this
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 notion as the advantages cannot overwhelm the crucial drawbacks they include. Electronic
devices
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 could enhance
language
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 skills and expand technological proficiency. People could install applications where numerous users create educational videos for the world of children with diverse
language
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 services.
For example
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, the series
of
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apply
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“Barbie” has been released in over 20 languages for young generations on Netflix and YouTube. By watching videos in both Korean and English, children could not only be exposed to their first but
also
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 second
language
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, improving
language
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 skills without studying abroad or an English academy.
However
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, there is a notable drawback that cannot be ignored to be a member of the society. Our society is consistent with community activities, which require communication with others. If people start to be familiar with sharing ideas through a screen, there is a possibility that their communication capability cannot be fulfilled.
Furthermore
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, they may lessen the time to speak with friends or families face to face.
As a result
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, the rise of online usage on
devices
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 could create barriers
of
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to
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 conversations with a variety of words and appropriate body postures. In conclusion, young generations have become familiar with using screens from earlier ages. Even though it may be practical to expose them to several languages, it could not help them to improve verbal skills that should be built up in childhood.
Therefore
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, young ages should be allowed to take advantage of
devices
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 appropriately.
Submitted by ekgus2309 on

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your standpoint; however, ensure both sides of the argument are summarized for a more balanced view.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear but try to develop them more thoroughly to avoid any ambiguity. Expand your reasoning and add more examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, transitioning between points smoothly can improve the overall flow. Use more transitional phrases to link your ideas seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph sticks to one main idea and that supporting details are directly related to it. This will enhance coherence and clarity.
task achievement
Your points regarding language development and technological proficiency are clearly supported with relevant examples such as the 'Barbie' series.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which help frame the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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