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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today children are surrounded by electronic devices such as personal computers, tablet computers, and smart phones, and they learn to use them at a very early age. What are advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

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Children
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 nowadays know how to
use
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 electrical
devices
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 like, computers and phones from an early age. The advantages of
this
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 trend are that
children
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 will upgrade their technological skills, and they can benefit from it to gain more general and academic information.
However
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, the drawbacks of using these
devices
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 are that they can get addicted to them and distract them from their study. On one hand, whenever
children
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use
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 these
devices
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 they become more experts in technology because they get to know the latest updates and learn how to
use
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 them.
For example
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, today's
children
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 know how to type in a keyboard easily, and how to
use
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 Axel and PowerPoint as well.
In addition
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, they gain a lot of knowledge and information from these
devices
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. Like
,
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apply
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 looking for any information they need by using the Google search engine. They can
also
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 download E-books and watch courses online.
On the other hand
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, the disadvantage of using these
devices
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 in childhood is that kids will be addicted to them because they spend many hours using them, playing video games or using applications like Facebook, TikTok and YouTube.
Moreover
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, spending hours using these apps will waste their precious time.
As a result
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 of usage, they can easily get distracted from their study which may affect their academic performance and achievements.
For instance
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, research that was conducted among school
children
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 found that
children
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 who do have smartphones are more focused and have higher grades compared to
children
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 who have their own phones. In conclusion, early usage of technology can be beneficial in developing
children
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’s skills
besides
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 gaining knowledge.
However
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, the downside
that
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is that
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 it will lead to addiction which will keep their minds busy with less important things and keep them away from studying.

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. For instance, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be achieved through the use of more linking phrases or transitional sentences.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and detailed evidence to support the statements made. This will make the essay more convincing and comprehensive.
task achievement
Pay closer attention to the grammatical structures and vocabulary used in the essay. While small inaccuracies won't drastically impact the score, reducing them can further enhance clarity and coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of early use of electronic devices by children.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the main points.
task achievement
The essay addresses relevant points and attempts to provide specific examples to illustrate the ideas presented.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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