Wild animals have no use in the 21st century and trying to preserve animals now is just wastage of money. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the recent century, the priority of
preservation
Correct article usage
the preservation
show examples
of wild
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
a widely debated topic. Some argue that since these
animals
are not quite functional for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, the budget for preserving them can be used in other areas.
This
essay disagrees with
this
point and shows that it is important to preserve the ecosystem. First of all,
animals
can be a source of learning and entertainment for children. Toddlers are
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
a critical age for learning compassion and responsibility. By showing
animals
’ interaction
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
one another, they would be taught that they are not the only living
being
Replace the word
beings
show examples
and we have the responsibility to keep our environment safe. In fact, young environmental
activist
Fix the agreement mistake
activists
show examples
tend to come from countries with better preservation of animal
habitas
Correct your spelling
habitats
habits
habitat
.
Moreover
, children tend to enjoy recreational activities involving
animals
.
For example
, Ottawa
park
Capitalize word
Park
show examples
is a habitat of wild birds and
deers
Fix the agreement mistake
deer
show examples
. Many children, join their caregivers on a hike to see these
animals
and feed them.
Secondly
,
ecosystem
Correct article usage
the ecosystem
show examples
depends on every living being in wildlife. If one animal
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
extinct, it can lead to the expansion or extinction of other species,
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
in return, can influence humans’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For example
, in a distant island in
18th
Correct article usage
the 18th
show examples
century, the wide killing of snakes led to the uncontrolled increase of mouse’s birth rate. Different lethal diseases
rose
Correct your spelling
arose
show examples
as
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
of these, which led to the black death of kids in that era. In conclusion, it is crucial for us to avoid
extinction
Correct article usage
the extinction
show examples
of
wild
Correct article usage
the wild
show examples
with our best effort.
In addition
to the learning and entertainment opportunities it brings, the ecosystem depends on every wildlife.
Submitted by razmimhy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

general advice
Some sentences are a bit awkward or unclear; revise for clarity. For instance, 'animals can be a source of learning and entertainment for children' could be made more impactful.
task achievement
Make the link between protecting animals and children learning compassion more explicit. How does seeing animals directly impact their sense of responsibility?
coherence cohesion
There are areas where subject-verb agreement issues arise, such as 'young environmental activist tend to come'. Make sure verbs agree in number with their subjects.
task achievement
Strong introduction that clearly states your position on the topic.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the Ottawa park example, are relevant and help support your key points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear structure, including a defined introduction and conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: