Although young people nowadays are provided with a more comfortable life and a better health care system, they are not necessarily happy as expected . In this essay, I will name some factors that contribute to this situation and propose several feasible solutions.

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In
this
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modern world, Despite the fact that we are living in a
well being
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well-being

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society
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with
a
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apply

The indefinite article, a, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun assistance in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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better medical assistance,
people
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feel unhappy with their life. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,

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i
Change the capitalization
I

The pronoun I should always be capitalized.

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will argue about
this
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phenomenon and some solutions for
people
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who live in
this
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overconnect
Correct your spelling
interconnected

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society
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.
Firstly
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, technology has become an integral part of our daily routine.
Furthermore
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, we use our phones or
laptop
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laptops

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in order to work, maintain our relationships, watch movies and so on.
Likewise
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, we have
constant
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the constant
a constant

The noun phrase constant influence seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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influence of propaganda
in
Change preposition
on

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our screens.
This
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kind of behaviour
produce
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produces

The plural verb produce does not appear to agree with the singular subject kind. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

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an unrealistic expectation in our life. In order to achieve
this
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, governments should educate their
society
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about the effects of the media
in
Change preposition
on

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our brains. For
intance
Correct your spelling
instance

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, an article from TIMES magazine affirms that adult
people
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expend
Verb problem
spend

There may be a verb use issue here.

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more than 8 hours a
day
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in
Change preposition
on

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their screens,
also
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young
people
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around six hours a
day
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.
This
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behaviour grows every
day
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as a result
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of more depression and anxiety.
Secondly
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, the
pression
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pressure

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for
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to

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maintain
Change the verb form
maintaining

The verb maintain may be in the wrong form after the preposition for. Consider changing it to the gerund form.

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Correct article usage
a centain

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centain
Correct your spelling
certain

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standard of living in
society
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.
This
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is a big topic for young generations who need to achieve a good university score,
find
Correct word choice
and find

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a good job with
good
Add an article
a good

The noun phrase good salary seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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salary and the market is getting more and
mroe
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more

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complicated.
Therefore
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, the anxiety for their future
produce
Change the verb form
produces

The plural verb produce does not appear to agree with the singular subject anxiety. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

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a lot of
unhappines
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unhappiness

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in our
society
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. In order to achieve
this
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problem
people
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have to create good habits like meditation and sports Activities
wich
Correct your spelling
which

The word wich doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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not need money to practice. For
intance
Correct your spelling
instance

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, a study from Colorado
university
Capitalize word
University

The word university should be capitalized in this context.

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declares that
meditate
Wrong verb form
meditating

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb meditate. Consider changing it.

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30 minutes a
day
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improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves

It seems that the verb improve does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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our mental health and
also
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,
this
Linking Words

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kind of
habits
Fix the agreement mistake
habit

It seems that habits may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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helps to decrease depression and anxiety. In conclusion,
society
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

need
Change the verb form
needs

The plural verb need does not appear to agree with the singular subject society. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

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to be aware of the influence that media has
in
Change preposition
on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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our
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains

It seems that brain may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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.
Additionally
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, Governments should educate their population about the effects of the over-exposed time in their screens.
Also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, communities need to incorporate good habits like meditation to increase their
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness

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.
Submitted by marcodimonaco89 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. The essay could benefit from connecting sentences between the paragraphs to enhance flow.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but a bit more elaboration could make them more comprehensive. You could discuss more deeply how each factor contributes to the unhappiness of young people and elaborate on your proposed solutions.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a variety of sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This will also help improve your overall coherence and cohesion score.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the essay's objective, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed.
task achievement
You have identified relevant factors contributing to the unhappiness of young people and proposed feasible solutions, which shows a thorough understanding of the task prompt.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as the TIME magazine article and the Colorado University study, strengthen your arguments and provide credible support for your main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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