Although young people nowadays are provided with a more comfortable life and a better health care system, they are not necessarily happy as expected . In this essay, I will name some factors that contribute to this situation and propose several feasible solutions.
In
this
modern world, Despite the fact that we are living in a well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
society
with a
better medical assistance, Remove the article
apply
people
feel unhappy with their life. In this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
i
will argue about Change the capitalization
I
this
phenomenon and some solutions for people
who live in this
overconnect
Correct your spelling
interconnected
society
.
Firstly
, technology has become an integral part of our daily routine. Furthermore
, we use our phones or laptop
in order to work, maintain our relationships, watch movies and so on. Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
Likewise
, we have constant
influence of propaganda Add an article
the constant
a constant
in
our screens. Change preposition
on
This
kind of behaviour produce
an unrealistic expectation in our life. In order to achieve Change the verb form
produces
this
, governments should educate their society
about the effects of the media in
our brains. For Change preposition
on
intance
, an article from TIMES magazine affirms that adult Correct your spelling
instance
people
expend
more than 8 hours a Verb problem
spend
day
in
their screens, Change preposition
on
also
young people
around six hours a day
. This
behaviour grows every day
as a result
of more depression and anxiety.
Secondly
, the pression
Correct your spelling
pressure
for
Change preposition
to
maintain
Change the verb form
maintaining
Correct article usage
a centain
centain
standard of living in Correct your spelling
certain
society
. This
is a big topic for young generations who need to achieve a good university score, find
a good job with Correct word choice
and find
good
salary and the market is getting more and Add an article
a good
mroe
complicated.
Correct your spelling
more
Therefore
, the anxiety for their future produce
a lot of Change the verb form
produces
unhappines
in our Correct your spelling
unhappiness
society
. In order to achieve this
problem people
have to create good habits like meditation and sports Activities wich
not need money to practice. For Correct your spelling
which
intance
, a study from Colorado Correct your spelling
instance
university
declares that Capitalize word
University
meditate
30 minutes a Wrong verb form
meditating
day
improve
our mental health and Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
also
, this
kind of habits
helps to decrease depression and anxiety.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
habit
society
need
to be aware of the influence that media has Change the verb form
needs
in
our Change preposition
on
brain
. Fix the agreement mistake
brains
Additionally
, Governments should educate their population about the effects of the over-exposed time in their screens. Also
, communities need to incorporate good habits like meditation to increase their happines
.Correct your spelling
happiness
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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. The essay could benefit from connecting sentences between the paragraphs to enhance flow.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but a bit more elaboration could make them more comprehensive. You could discuss more deeply how each factor contributes to the unhappiness of young people and elaborate on your proposed solutions.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a variety of sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This will also help improve your overall coherence and cohesion score.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the essay's objective, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed.
task achievement
You have identified relevant factors contributing to the unhappiness of young people and proposed feasible solutions, which shows a thorough understanding of the task prompt.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as the TIME magazine article and the Colorado University study, strengthen your arguments and provide credible support for your main points.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.