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Band 5

Some people believe that the government should financially support retired people. Others think they should care for themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #support #care
Whilst other
people
 believe that retired
people
 be supported financially by the
government
, I believe they should take care
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 themselves because there are other priorities that the
government
 should
prioritized
Wrong verb form
prioritise
show examples
 first. On the one hand,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 is
giving all
Verb problem
doing
show examples
 its best to give
his
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
people
 the
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 that they can offer and one is by giving considerable discounts on the basic necessities for retired
people
whose
Correct your spelling
who are
show examples
 already in their senior
years
 like food, medicine and transportation.They
also
 give retirement homes for retirees
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 when they serve the
government
 before they retire. It is fair enough that they were given
priveledges
Correct your spelling
privileges
show examples
 on basic commodities that were very helpful when they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 out of the service. They do it to give retired
people
 some comfort as they cannot earn enough during their youngest
years
.
For example
, the
government
 of the Republic of the Philippines is giving
20
Correct article usage
a 20
show examples
% discount to senior citizens for every purchase or transportation they will make.
However
,
people
 should prepare themselves financially stable so when the time comes that they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 already retired they will not suffer for their living and will enjoy the rest of their lives.
For instance
,
individual
Add an article
an individual
the individual
show examples
 who works hard in their younger
years
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to save for the future enough to cover their expenses when they retire. In conclusion,
although
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 are doing its best to support financially the needs of retired
people
 they should still work
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their younger
years
 for them to save so when the time comes that they were already retired they will not
be needing
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial support from the
government
 as they were able to support themselves.
Submitted by rodadoctor2 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetitive phrasing. In the conclusion, for example, you rephrase the same idea multiple times. This could affect the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your points. Instead of simply mentioning 'people who work hard in their younger years,' you could provide a more specific scenario.
task achievement
Work on punctuation and sentence structure. Some sentences are long and might be clearer if divided. Additionally, corrections such as 'government is' should be 'government is' or 'a government... first' should be '...priorities that the government should prioritize first.'
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea, to improve coherence and reader understanding. Right now, the paragraphs are a little mixed in their subjects.
coherence cohesion
The essay opens with a clear statement of your perspective, which sets the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, like the discount in the Republic of the Philippines, which adds credibility to your argument.
introduction conclusion
The conclusion effectively sums up your points and clearly states your overall opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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