Some people believe that the government should financially support retired people. Others think they should care for themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Whilst other
people
believe that retired people
be supported financially by the government
, I believe they should take care for
themselves because there are other priorities that the Change preposition
of
government
should prioritized
first.
On the one hand, Wrong verb form
prioritise
government
is Add an article
the government
giving all
its best to give Verb problem
doing
his
Correct pronoun usage
its
people
the service
that they can offer and one is by giving considerable discounts on the basic necessities for retired Fix the agreement mistake
services
people
whose
already in their senior Correct your spelling
who are
years
like food, medicine and transportation.They also
give retirement homes for retirees specially
when they serve the Replace the word
especially
government
before they retire. It is fair enough that they were given priveledges
on basic commodities that were very helpful when they Correct your spelling
privileges
are
out of the service. They do it to give retired Wrong verb form
were
people
some comfort as they cannot earn enough during their youngest years
. For example
, the government
of the Republic of the Philippines is giving 20
% discount to senior citizens for every purchase or transportation they will make.
Correct article usage
a 20
However
, people
should prepare themselves financially stable so when the time comes that they were
already retired they will not suffer for their living and will enjoy the rest of their lives. Wrong verb form
are
For instance
, individual
who works hard in their younger Add an article
an individual
the individual
years
tend
to save for the future enough to cover their expenses when they retire.
In conclusion, Change the verb form
tends
although
government
are doing its best to support financially the needs of retired Correct article usage
the government
people
they should still work on
their younger Change preposition
in
years
for them to save so when the time comes that they were already retired they will not be needing
Wrong verb form
need
the
financial support from the Correct article usage
apply
government
as they were able to support themselves.Submitted by rodadoctor2 on
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coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetitive phrasing. In the conclusion, for example, you rephrase the same idea multiple times. This could affect the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your points. Instead of simply mentioning 'people who work hard in their younger years,' you could provide a more specific scenario.
task achievement
Work on punctuation and sentence structure. Some sentences are long and might be clearer if divided. Additionally, corrections such as 'government is' should be 'government is' or 'a government... first' should be '...priorities that the government should prioritize first.'
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea, to improve coherence and reader understanding. Right now, the paragraphs are a little mixed in their subjects.
coherence cohesion
The essay opens with a clear statement of your perspective, which sets the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, like the discount in the Republic of the Philippines, which adds credibility to your argument.
introduction conclusion
The conclusion effectively sums up your points and clearly states your overall opinion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.