IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that government should not spend money on sports stadium and building theatres. Instead it should spend more money on education. Do you gree or disgree?

#people #government #money #sports #stadium #theatres #education #gree #disgree
It is a highly debatable issue whether the government should not support any
sports
 stadium and building theatres, or whether it should focus more on
education
. From my perspective,
this
 phenomenon leads to adverse impacts and affects the development of countries.I agree that
education
 is more beneficial for
people
's lives. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the importance of
education
. On the one hand,
people
 say that
sports
 play a vital role in our health. Engaging in
sports
 can often help
people
 to prevent many diseases
for example
,
people
 who suffer from diseases like obesity and pressure can often overcome sport to treat themself. So,
sports
 are not only for entertainment but
also
 it is a kind of healthy habit.
In addition
,
sports
 touches on social issues. It boosts the development of important social skills ,
for instance
, the members of any team can learn many skills like teamwork and leadership.
On the other hand
, the above arguments are insufficient to overshadow the shortcoming of the topic in question.
first,
education
 is the fundamental thing in
people
's lives. If the government spend money it will reduce unemployment in
education
, and potentially increase standards.To illustrate, when we have an educated population, the awareness of
people
 in society will be higher.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,
show examples
people
 and the lining and increase the lead to solve Can study Allowing the individual to
For instance
,
education
 a lot of in society problems could prevent from crimes, theftS and stress.
Therefore
 the governments have the priority to pay money for
education
 In conclusion,
sports
 are effective for our health and social anxiety.
However
,
education
 has an essential role in an individual's life. The government should pay attention to
education
.
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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, ensure that examples used are more specific and directly support the main points. For instance, rather than just mentioning that an educated population will reduce unemployment, provide a specific study or statistical data that illustrates this point.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your essay. Ensure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one and clear transitions are present. For example, using linking phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', and 'Consequently' can help in making the essay read more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Revise and ensure that sentences are grammatically correct and avoid fragmented sentences. For example, the sentence 'Furthermore people and the lining and increase the lead to solve Can study Allowing the individual to For instance, education a lot of in society problems could prevent from crimes, theftS and stress.' is confusing and needs to be restructured for clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, setting the context for the discussion and summarizing the argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt directly and provides a nuanced perspective, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The points made, particularly in regards to the benefits of sports and education, are relevant and contribute to the overall argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocate funds
  • opportunity cost
  • social equity
  • public services
  • economic growth
  • scholarships
  • qualified teachers
  • innovation
  • entrepreneurship
  • alleviation of poverty
  • informed workforce
  • potential benefits
  • immediate economic stimuli
  • privileged segment
  • government spending
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