IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that success is the best indicator for intelligence, while others think that intelligence can be measured in other ways. What is your opinion?

#people #success #indicator #intelligence
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Several
people
 think that achievement is the only indicator of
smart
Replace the word
smartness
show examples
,
however
, some
people
 believe that high brain levels can be measured in different ways.
Thus
, I partially agree with both statements because of two factors, hard and being normally clever. Being a successful
person
 does not mean that he is intelligent.
For instance
, hard-working
people
 are everywhere, and there are a lot of hard workers in our
life
, and they get
such
 high grades in school, doing exceptionally well in their academic studies.
However
, their brain in
life
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not smart, because they are only focusing on education which will make their
life
 more complicated. Another type of successful
person
 is the
person
 who has both of those aspects, which are hard-working and a high mentality level. These factors will lead to victory in
life
, providing a balanced approach to being smart and working hard. There are a lot of successful
people
 who
quited
Correct your spelling
quit
 school
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an early age.
For example
, Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs has one of the most significant clever minds in the world. He stopped going to school and focused more on himself, he upgraded the iOS phone system, which allowed
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the entire world to use his programmed device and benefit from his creation. In the end, being a successful
person
 will sometimes
depended
Change the verb form
depend
be depended
show examples
 on other ways like education.
Otherwise
, there are a lot of
people
 who are born smart and not successful and that's because of their mentality. In my opinion, I feel it more depends on the
person
 himself.
Submitted by Endo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider refining the thesis statement to make it clearer and more precise. For instance, directly state that success alone does not equate to intelligence and provide a brief rationale.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall coherence of the essay. Make sure to proofread and revise your sentences for clarity. For example, 'their brain in life is not smart,' should be rephrased for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all paragraphs are fully developed and directly contribute to your thesis. Some of your points, though interesting, need further elaboration and connection back to the main argument. For instance, the example of Steve Jobs could be better linked to the idea that intelligence can be measured in other ways.
task achievement
Good attempt at addressing the prompt and providing a balanced perspective on the topic.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples (e.g., Steve Jobs) which make your essay more engaging and illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: