IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative trend?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #trend
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It can be seen nowadays that young
people
, including small
children
, spend a lot of time on their
phones
.
This
 essay will explain why and
then
 argue that it is an overwhelmingly negative development.
To begin
 with,
children
 use their
phones
 a lot because they are enjoyable to the point of being addictive. Indeed, numerous studies have shown that
phones
 are as addictive for
children
 as sugar or drugs, and
this
 makes it hard for them to moderate their behaviour. The apps on most
phones
 are designed to appeal to
people
 by rewarding them with dopamine and
children
 are particularly susceptible to
this
.
In addition
, the bright images, simple games, and immersive experience make
phones
 thoroughly appealing for young users.
This
 constant usage brings various problems, with perhaps the most alarming being the impact on
people
’s health. Using a phone is something that the human body has not yet adapted to and there are various risks. The most obvious one is neck damage. Doctors often warn that the postures
people
 use when using their
phones
 lead to neck strain, which can
also
 trigger problems in the back and head. Some
people
 worry about eyestrain, too, though
this
 is unproven.
Then
, of course, there is the fact that for
children
 almost the entirety of their entertainment comes in the form of these
phones
 and so they no longer go outside to play games in the fresh air,
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 necessary exercise and socialising. They are stuck indoors, staring at their phone and becoming overweight, fragile, and unsociable. In conclusion, the current situation with
children
 using their
phones
 a lot is utterly negative. Even if there were any possible benefits, they would be grossly outweighed by the damage that these devices cause.
Submitted by habal.oumaima on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher band, ensure that all the points are explicitly supported by evidence or specific examples. For instance, when mentioning studies, briefly state what they concluded or their findings.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a logical flow, transitions between paragraphs can be more varied and smoother. Use a mix of linking words and phrases to avoid repetition and maintain reader's interest.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both parts of the question, providing reasons for children's smartphone usage and arguing against it with detailed points.
task achievement
Good use of academic language and precise vocabulary throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Solid logical structure, with clear argumentation and well-organized paragraphs. The introduction and conclusion are present and succinct.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported with relevant explanations, making the arguments persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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