IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

#music #world #country
Music
 plays a crucial role in the life of a person, giving emotional support or encouraging good moments to remain in the future.
While
 international
music
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
to
Correct pronoun usage
us to
show examples
 connect with other cultures, languages, and traditions, traditional
music
 acknowledges the story behind each piece of art written by the artist who was inspired by a part of that country.
This
 essay will examine why
music
 is necessary and explore the importance of traditional and international
music
.
Music
 is one of the art products that easily are available for people to consume and I consider that
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
 we have the
oportunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to inspect and connect with our emotions through those musical projects.
Additionally
, it is a means to express ideas about life, politics, experiences, and traditions, and a great way to meet people,
for example
, in concerts or musical events.
Furthermore
,
music
 is used to share common ideas in many communities as chairs, cults
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
parties, etc.
According to
 the importance between international and traditional
music
, I hold both are important
due to
whereas
 international
music
 collects all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
music
 in the world and
Wrong verb form
listening
show examples
listen
Add the preposition
listen to
show examples
 it
realease
Correct your spelling
release
 to know the
beggining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 of some genres and the use of samples in a mix of another recent genre.
However
, traditional
music
support
Change the verb form
supports
show examples
 the origin of the culture,
such
 as in Colombia there are many songs of Vallenato that tell stories of people or events important to
this
 genre.
To conclude
,
music
 brings beautiful moments in the past and gives emotional memories.
Although
 international
music
 offers a universal language that unites the world, traditional
music
 holds irreplaceable value in preserving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unique cultural identities.
Submitted by mariajoser3 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve your essay, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea. For instance, you can separate the benefits of international music and traditional music into different paragraphs for more clarity.
task response
While your essay very closely addresses the task, try to use more specific examples and evidence to support your points about the importance of music and its various forms.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow and structuring of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This will help in making your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a nice structure to your essay.
task response
You have responded well to both parts of the task by explaining why we need music and comparing traditional and international music.
task response
The ideas presented are clear and relevant to the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional release
  • cultural significance
  • globalization
  • cultural exchange
  • technology
  • preservation
  • cultural heritage
  • social cohesion
  • expression
  • consumption
  • production
  • traditional music
  • international music
  • diversity
  • identity
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!