IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that it is a good thing for senior management positions to have much higher salaries than other workers in a company. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

#people #management #positions #salaries #workers #company
Some people argue that holding a senior management position is the pinnacle of career success, offering better remuneration packages compared to other employees in the company. I agree with
this
 perspective, as it brings not only financial benefits but
also
 numerous opportunities. One significant advantage of senior management roles is the higher salary and the accompanying perks. Specifically, senior management employees tend to enjoy elevated pay and additional benefits
such
 as fuel subsidies, vehicle allowances, and health insurance, which greatly enhance their quality of life. People seek employment to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their needs, and attaining higher salaries in senior positions improves not only individual well-being but
also
 benefits their families and communities.
For instance
, DIMO, a well-known company in Sri Lanka, provides rental cars, health insurance for families, and accommodation facilities for its employees.
Furthermore
, attaining a senior position often leads to increased recognition in society. When a person occupies a managerial role, they typically oversee a team, which garners respect from their subordinates and peers.
Additionally
, individuals in
such
 positions often receive more deference from the community and can easily access assistance when needed.
For example
, my brother, a senior manager at a bank, frequently receives invitations from clubs and schools to act as a chief guest, which is a significant
honor
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honour
show examples
 in our community. In conclusion,
although
 there are some drawbacks to being in a senior managerial position, I believe the advantages—
such
 as higher salaries and enhanced opportunities—far outweigh any disadvantages compared to other coworkers.
Submitted by jivenica1998 on

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task achievement
In the introduction, you mention that you agree with the perspective, but it could be made clearer by explicitly stating that you believe senior managers deserve higher salaries. This will set a clearer tone for your essay.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-organized, consider adding a transitional sentence between paragraphs for smoother flow. For example, a transition from the first to the second body paragraph can make the shift in focus more seamless.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a well-rounded argument.
relevant specific examples
You have used relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments, enhancing the reader’s understanding.
supported main points
The main points of your argument are clearly supported, making your position easy to follow.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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