IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 years old watch television and/or play video games too much. How does the problem affect? What measures can be taken to control it?

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Most youngsters aged 7 to 11 years old spend lots of
time
 enjoying video games and watching
television
.
This
 essay will identify the components contributing to
this
 and discuss some solutions. There are some reasons why children like to watch
television
 and play video games. One crucial factor is the
parents
'
rules
, giving them flexible
time
 to spend on their screen
time
.
Parents
 should have strict
time
 management,
such
 as creating daily schedules for youngsters. If they do not follow the
rules
,
parents
 should give punishment so they know the consequences of their bad habits.
Furthermore
,
parents
 could give advice first and be role models for them, so if they want to complain about the
rules
, they do not have many reasons.
Consequently
, kids will follow the
rules
, limiting their
time
 to the habit so that it can create excellent manners since their childhood.
Parents
 should confine the internet
access
 to youngsters using mobiles or devices on school days. If kids have homework that needs the World Wide Web
access
,
parents
 can give them
access
 but with supervision.
Moreover
,
parents
 have the authority to limit the channels on
television
;
hence
, they lack interest in
television
 because it will be boring. In
this
 regard, they are looked perplexed, and
this
 is the chance for
parents
 to support them in studying or deep-talk with them. In conclusion, the reasons behind children’s tendency to watch TV or enjoy electronic games include inadequate
time
 management from
parents
 and the availability of internet
access
. For solutions,
parents
 should create strict
rules
 and enlighten kids about habits and activities.
Submitted by Crowns on

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task achievement
Ensure you are fully addressing the prompt by delving deeper into how the problem affects children and society rather than just stating the problem and jumping straight to solutions. Expand on the effects before discussing solutions.
coherence & cohesion
Use a broader range of transition words and phrases to improve the logical flow of ideas. Consider linking sentences more seamlessly within paragraphs and between them to enhance readability and coherence.
coherence & cohesion
To strengthen coherence and cohesion, work on developing a clear thematic progression. Ensure that each paragraph has a central idea that is explored in depth, with supporting details that vividly illustrate your points.
task achievement
Integrate more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument. Using concrete examples helps to clarify your points and make your arguments more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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