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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that hard work is vital for success, while others think that education guarantees success more than anything. Which do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

#people #work #success #education #guarantees #support #position
In the
last
 recent years. Some
people
 think that working hard has more chance to be
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
 than
education
, well I think that it is not all the time, it is not guaranteed like
education
 in terms of applying to jobs. In
this
 essay, I will discuss my opinion about
this
 argument.
First,
why do I think that
education
 is more important and guaranteed in jobs
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
than hard work
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
For example
, if you want to apply
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a job they find the best student
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 the best hard worker so they will refuse your application.
In addition
, they try to find
people
 who have more knowledge like students and
according to
 the newspapers if you look
for
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
last
 years you will find that 95% of
people
 who have
certificate
Fix the agreement mistake
certificates
show examples
 are more successful in life
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
than hard
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 because they don't have evidence if they know how to work like
education
people
.
Furthermore
,
why
Rephrase
apply
show examples
is
education
 more important
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
because they have proof that they learn more than hard workers, it is more professional and accurate and every company can take them to a job, that's why I love to learn in university rather than hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
. In conclusion, In my point of view, I think that
education
 is more important than hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 because of that they don't have proof that they are similar to
education
 guys.
In addition
,
company's
Change noun form
companies
show examples
 can take them to their job easily
with out
Correct your spelling
without
show examples
 being scared if they don't have the ability to deal
woth
Correct your spelling
with
 work.
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing your essay's logical structure. For instance, introducing clearer topic sentences and better transitioning between ideas can help your argument flow more smoothly.
task response
To improve the task response, ensure that your ideas are fully developed. Expanding on your reasons and providing more specific examples will make your argument stronger.
general
You should aim to minimize grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This will help in making your essay clearer and more professional. Consider revising and practicing more to achieve greater accuracy.
task response
You have a consistent and clear stance throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which help frame your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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