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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people believe that individuals cannot improve the environment, but only governments and big companies can make a difference

#people #individuals #environment #governments #companies #difference
Some people feel that only the governments and multinational companies could make the development of the
environment
.
However
,
individuals
 could not give the difference about that. I personally do not entirely accept
this
 and will explain why in
this
 essay. On the one hand, I believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments and multinational companies can be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
decision
maker
Fix the agreement mistake
makers
show examples
 for making
Correct article usage
the evironmeny
show examples
evironmeny
Correct your spelling
environment
 better.
Besides
, they have networking to make some projects about improving the
environment
.
For instance
, they can build the building with eco-friendly
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
investor
Fix the agreement mistake
investors
show examples
 from other countries.
Furthermore
, they have sophisticated
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 for cleaning the river.
Hence
, they have some projects that can be beneficial for the
environment
.
On the other hand
, I believe
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals
 have to make
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
moving
Wrong verb form
move
show examples
 to make a difference.
For example
,
Correct article usage
the Pandawara
show examples
Pandawara
Correct your spelling
Pandora
 group begins
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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one person
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
clean
Change the verb form
cleans
show examples
 the river using
simple
Add an article
a simple
show examples
tool
Fix the agreement mistake
tools
show examples
 and
traditional
Replace the word
traditions
show examples
.
However
,
this
 movement
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 other people join
this
 trend by cleaning
river
Fix the agreement mistake
rivers
show examples
 near their
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
. It can be seen that the influence
from
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of
show examples
 social media is highly recommended.
Moreover
,
this
 trend become gathering activist to improve their
environment
.
Therefore
, the
individuals
 can be a solid group that can create
tha
Correct your spelling
the
 transformation for
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.
To sum up
, I feel that
individuals
 can be a community that
Add a missing verb
is concern
show examples
concern
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about the
environment
 and create some
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
for enhancing
Change preposition
to enhance
show examples
 the
environment
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, your ideas must be more clearly and logically organized for better coherence. Consider using more transitional phrases to improve the flow of your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure all your main points are well-supported and elaborated upon. Adding more specific examples and further explanation can strengthen your argument. For instance, you can elaborate more on how the Pandawara group's actions influenced others and the overall community.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that could be improved. For instance, 'evironmeny' should be 'environment', and 'can be a decision maker for making evironmeny better' could be rephrased to 'can play a crucial role in improving the environment.'
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument.
task achievement
You've provided a relevant example (Pandawara group) to support your point about individual actions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sustainability
  • carbon footprint
  • renewable energy
  • conservation
  • corporate social responsibility
  • policy implementation
  • grassroots movement
  • environmental advocacy
  • legislation
  • systemic change
  • collective impact
  • green initiatives
  • pollution control
  • biodiversity
  • global warming
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