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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph illustrates comparison in number of foreign visitors among 8 most popular countries during 2009 and 2010 and how it changed during one year.

The graph illustrates comparison in number of foreign visitors among 8 most popular countries during 2009 and 2010 and how it changed during one year.
The graph illustrates a comparison of the numbers of foreign
visitors
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 among the 8 most popular countries during 2009 and 2010 and how it changed during one
year
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, most countries experienced
growth
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 in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 number of newcomers, with Germany having the biggest
growth
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 and Hong Kong going through a decline. Germany the country which had an outstanding increase during 1
year
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 period, had 11 million
visitors
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 in 2009 and 23
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millions
Change to singular
million
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 in 2010 with a 109 per cent increase. China and Turkey had 22 and 33
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millions
Change to singular
million
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 respectively ended up with an increase of 55 and 33 percent. Italy, the UK, Spain and the USA had better numbers of
visitors
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 during 2009 at around 50 and 60
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millions
Change to singular
million
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 each
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but had average
growth
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 in popularity among foreigners during the upcoming
year
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 with an incline
growth
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 of less than 5 per cent each. France hitting the highest rate in 2009 and 2010 with 76
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millions
Change to singular
million
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visitors
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 each
year
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 had a neutral
growth
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 trend. Hong Kong visited by 10
millions
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 in 2009 had a negative
growth
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 of 11 per cent resulting in 9 million
visitors
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Add more linking words.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words visitors, year, growth, millions with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "comparison" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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