IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

These days in some countries an increasing number of young adults are choosing their whole weekends inside homes. Why do you think it is happening ? Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #adults #weekends #homes #development
These days, global lifestyles are varied from the past, so we can see the number of young
people
 who spend the whole of their spare
time
 in their house in some countries rise. In my opinion,
this
 matter is the result of a bad economy because when
people
 do not have enough money don't go out;
moreover
, if the nation has long working
time
, they just sleep in their leisure
time
.
In addition
, in my view, it is a negative development owing to the fact that economic trends will be reduced
also
, some population who
work
 in entertainment places lose their jobs. On the one hand, if the young generations who are active
people
 in a society spend their
time
 in one house, after many
time
 the number of
people
 who have mental problems will increase because going out helps communities to change their feelings and lose stress.
In addition
, these populations cannot
work
 efficiently;
as a result
, countries will have big problems in their economy inasmuch as industries do not profit, and they should invest in healthcare.
On the other hand
, when
people
 are in their homes in their free
time
, some places that are able to earn a great deal of money on holiday won't
work
 very well;
besides
, after many times they will be closed;
therefore
, labourers will lose their
work
.
For instance
, when you book a hotel in an area that has good weather in your leisure
time
, the worker in
this
 hotel have income
while
 when their passengers decline,
this
 place will be closed.
To sum up
, it is important that governments make a situation that young adults have good income and less working
time
 for going out on account of the fact that the effects of their bad holiday
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 too much on the economy.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, but it would benefit from a clearer organization of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and use more varied linking words to improve cohesion.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic and provided reasons for why young adults might spend their weekends at home, but some of your points could be more thoroughly developed. Try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The essay shows a clear understanding of the topic and attempts to provide a balanced view of the potential reasons and consequences.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion which help frame the essay effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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