IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries levels of health and fitness are decreasing and average weights are increasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions?

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In some parts of the world, nowadays, the number of average weights is climbing high,
whereas
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 the number of
health
Use synonyms
 quality and well-being are dropping.
This
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 essay will first suggest that the biggest problem caused by
this
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 phenomenon is
Use synonyms
technology
Replace the word
technological
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 advancement and
then
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 argue that
promotion
Correct article usage
the promotion
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 of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 lifestyle is the most viable solution.
To begin
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 with, the foremost issue caused by the decrease
of
Change preposition
in
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health
Use synonyms
 and fitness
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 alongside the
rising
Replace the word
rise
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of
Change preposition
in
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 people’s weight
are
Change the verb form
is
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that
Correct word choice
apply
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the
advanced
Replace the word
advancement
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 of
technology
Use synonyms
 which influences
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern people’s
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology
Use synonyms
 makes everything easier, they are likely to overuse it, leading to
the
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apply
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laziness
of
Change preposition
in
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 doing some physical activities.
Thus
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,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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 is the most potential
health
Use synonyms
 problem that will happen, and
then
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 it surely affects the
human’s
Change noun form
human
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 welfare level.
For example
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, these days, we
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 order any
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 or shop any clothes through our smartphones, making us to keep staying at home.
The
Correct article usage
A
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 possible solution to these problems would be to
do promotion
Verb problem
promote
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 of healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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 through
Add an article
the internet
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internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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. Since many people use media social
in
Change preposition
on
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 their smartphones,
this
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 kind of advertisement would reach bigger audiences. If every
person
Add a verb
person is
person was
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 aware of the
important
Replace the word
importance
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 of
health
Use synonyms
, they will start to
do exercises
Wrong verb form
exercise
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 and the negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 of
technology
Use synonyms
 will be reduced.
Furthermore
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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physical activities have leverage
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 improving
health
Use synonyms
 quality.
For example
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, ads
of
Change preposition
about
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 the danger of obesity pop up when we open a food ordering application and the
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
show examples
 info is given on its every menu, making people think twice before ordering
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 online. In conclusion, the
overusing
Correct word choice
overuse of
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technology
Use synonyms
 is the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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foremost reason for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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poor quality of
health
Use synonyms
 and the
weight
Change the verb form
weighted
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 average, but a possible solution could be
promote
Fix the infinitive
to promote
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healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
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life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 through social media.

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task achievement
While the essay effectively identifies the cause (technology advancement) and proposes a solution (promotion of a healthy lifestyle), it could benefit from more specific details and examples. For instance, mentioning concrete ways technological advancements contribute to sedentary lifestyles can strengthen the argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay could enhance clarity by refining some sentences. For instance, "the advanced of technology which influences the modern people’s life style" could be rephrased to "the advancement of technology which influences modern people's lifestyles."
supported main points
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. The essay does this well but could improve by adding more specific examples and evidence to support its points.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay’s argument.
logical structure
Overall, the essay maintains a logical structure, with paragraphs that flow smoothly from one to the next.
complete response
The essay addresses both the causes and solutions thoroughly, fulfilling the task requirements.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • recreational facilities
  • advertising and media
  • emotional eating
  • motivation
  • dietary habits
  • affordable
  • convenient
  • proliferation
  • desk-bound
  • advancement of technology
  • physically demanding
What to do next:
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