IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries levels of health and fitness are decreasing and average weights are increasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions?

#countries #levels #health #fitness #weights
In some parts of the world, nowadays, the number of average weights is climbing high,
whereas
 the number of
health
 quality and well-being are dropping.
This
 essay will first suggest that the biggest problem caused by
this
 phenomenon is
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 advancement and
then
 argue that
promotion
Correct article usage
the promotion
show examples
 of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle is the most viable solution.
To begin
 with, the foremost issue caused by the decrease
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
health
 and fitness
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 alongside the
rising
Replace the word
rise
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 people’s weight
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
advanced
Replace the word
advancement
show examples
 of
technology
 which influences
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern people’s
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 makes everything easier, they are likely to overuse it, leading to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
laziness
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 doing some physical activities.
Thus
,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 is the most potential
health
 problem that will happen, and
then
 it surely affects the
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 welfare level.
For example
, these days, we
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 order any
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 or shop any clothes through our smartphones, making us to keep staying at home.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 possible solution to these problems would be to
do promotion
Verb problem
promote
show examples
 of healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 through
Add an article
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
. Since many people use media social
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their smartphones,
this
 kind of advertisement would reach bigger audiences. If every
person
Add a verb
person is
person was
show examples
 aware of the
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
 of
health
, they will start to
do exercises
Wrong verb form
exercise
show examples
 and the negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of
technology
 will be reduced.
Furthermore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical activities have leverage
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 improving
health
 quality.
For example
, ads
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the danger of obesity pop up when we open a food ordering application and the
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
show examples
 info is given on its every menu, making people think twice before ordering
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 online. In conclusion, the
overusing
Correct word choice
overuse of
show examples
technology
 is the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
foremost reason for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor quality of
health
 and the
weight
Change the verb form
weighted
show examples
 average, but a possible solution could be
promote
Fix the infinitive
to promote
show examples
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 through social media.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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task achievement
While the essay effectively identifies the cause (technology advancement) and proposes a solution (promotion of a healthy lifestyle), it could benefit from more specific details and examples. For instance, mentioning concrete ways technological advancements contribute to sedentary lifestyles can strengthen the argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay could enhance clarity by refining some sentences. For instance, "the advanced of technology which influences the modern people’s life style" could be rephrased to "the advancement of technology which influences modern people's lifestyles."
supported main points
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. The essay does this well but could improve by adding more specific examples and evidence to support its points.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay’s argument.
logical structure
Overall, the essay maintains a logical structure, with paragraphs that flow smoothly from one to the next.
complete response
The essay addresses both the causes and solutions thoroughly, fulfilling the task requirements.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • recreational facilities
  • advertising and media
  • emotional eating
  • motivation
  • dietary habits
  • affordable
  • convenient
  • proliferation
  • desk-bound
  • advancement of technology
  • physically demanding
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