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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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Nowadays, the population of elderly
people
 has increased in many countries because individuals are living more than before.
Although
this
 trend undoubtedly has
both
 positive and negative sides, in my opinion, the advantages of
this
 phenomenon outweigh the disadvantages. There are several reasons why some
people
 believe that living longer than before may create some problems for the government.
Firstly
, elderly person need more take care of their health, so the number of hospitals or houses for keeping them should be increased in countries. It means that the governments should invest in constructing the facilities to supply them with health requirements.
In addition
, they need special supplements and treatments because of their age and weakness in
both
 mental and physical ability. So, supplying drugs for them to keep and maintain their mental and physical health is another aspect of the overpopulation of old
people
.
Hence
, a part of the public budget should be allocated
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 elderly
people
instead
 of investing in other fields.
On the other hand
, many
people
 including me believe that living longer than
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
 has many merits. First of all, elderly
people
 bring a positive atmosphere to the family.
Moreover
, they can take care of their grandchildren
while
 their parents are in the workplace. It means that parents can save their money by keeping their children at home
instead
 of taking them to kindergarten.
Secondly
, the old
people
 have some instructive experiences in many subjects of working which can help
both
 individuals and companies to give lessons from and find the correct ways. Companies can hire them as consultants, so their experiences not only help companies to save energy and time
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 human resources but
also
 bring them financial benefits. In conclusion,
although
 living longer than past may have some cons because of their costs and requirements I strongly believe that the pros of elderly
people
, including their positive energy and usable experiences are more significant for
both
 society and family.
Submitted by n.fallahi327 on

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introduction
Try to enhance your introduction by briefly mentioning both the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss in the essay. This will provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
logical structure
Make sure to link your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs. Use linking phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'Moreover' to add coherence.
supported main points
Ensure your main points are supported with relevant specific examples or statistics, which can make your argument stronger and more convincing.
introduction
You have a clear and strong thesis statement that sets the tone of the essay.
task achievement
You provided both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view before concluding with your opinion.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your thesis statement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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