IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that can sports man earn more money than a good business man. Do you agree or disagree . Give specific idea with specific examples.

#people #sports #man #money #business #idea
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. In the present day,
Athletes
Use synonyms
 play a necessary role in life's finances. Some individuals claim that
athletes
Use synonyms
 can be wealthy
instead
Linking Words
 of good businessmen. In the following essay, we will explore
this
Linking Words
 view, and my perspective view is that the positives outnumber the drawbacks. On the one hand, most of the community thinks sportsmen are lucky to obtain more
money
Use synonyms
 these days which returned to several causes. The majority reason is social media, a variety of
athletes
Use synonyms
 entered a trend in the
last
Linking Words
 two years ago. To illustrate more, the youngsters encourage specific players to the football.
For example
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, Missy and Rayal Madrid are wealthy men. They accomplish huge fame in the world, especially in Arabian countries. The second cause is that the players tend to join a company which has a good reputation and gives them an adequate salary.
Therefore
Linking Words
, sportsmen feel excited person and satisfaction work.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a businessman starts work from zero steps to get good
money
Use synonyms
. Alas' some of them fall down and are a waste of
money
Use synonyms
 and time.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, people have difficulty dealing with confident companies unlike Athelites can join any company and exchange if he/she wants.
For instance
Linking Words
, an article published by the AL Watan in 2018 - revealed that "many
Athletes
Use synonyms
 are lucky to obtain excellent
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
instead
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 of
a good businessmen
Correct the article-noun agreement
good businessmen
a good businessman
show examples
" In conclusion, I believe strongly that good players earn more
money
Use synonyms
 rather than
businessman
Fix the agreement mistake
businessmen
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
, there are a variety of causes , the best is good fame.
By contrast
Linking Words
, people should be strict in their lives and research about strength points
Submitted by lailakhalil3 on

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task response
Your essay addresses the task and presents a clear position. However, it could benefit from more relevant and specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between your ideas. This will help in making your essay flow more naturally.
general
Pay attention to grammatical errors and sentence structure. This will make your ideas clearer and more professional.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
argumentation
You provide a balanced view by presenting both sides of the argument, which enhances the depth of your discussion.
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