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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays a few people take their family with them to abroad whenever they go for a Business trip. What are the advantages and disadvantages on them and on their family?

#people #business #trip
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Taking family
members
while
 having a
business
trip
 is
one
 of the options for some people because it prevents them
to feel
Change preposition
from feeling
show examples
 stressed. Meanwhile,
accompanied
Add a missing verb
being accompanied
show examples
 by families
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
abroad can lead them to have additional
distraction
Fix the agreement mistake
distractions
show examples
 on their
business
trip
due to
 family matters. On the
one
 hand, people sometimes feel stressed
to have
Change preposition
about having
show examples
 a
business
trip
 because they must leave their family for a
while
.
Hence
, taking family
members
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
business
trip
 is allowed by some employers to
prevents
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
 the employees
feeling
Change preposition
from feeling
show examples
 stressed when entering
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the countries.
Moreover
, it will benefit their family
members
 as well because they are able to explore some travel destinations.
As a result
, family
members
 can get
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to take days off by travelling when
one
 of them
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a
business
trip
.
This
 is normally seen when some scientists sometimes take their family when they have to get conference
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overseas. Once the conference is finished, they can spend their time by visiting several tourist attractions. Despite many advantages,
accompanied
Add a missing verb
being accompanied
show examples
 by family will distract them because they cannot maintain their focus
due to
familly
Correct your spelling
family
 matters.
As a result
, they may not achieve their primary purpose of the
business
trip
, leading to
risk
Add an article
a risk
the risk
show examples
 of not getting an expected result.
Furthermore
, their family
members
 are not able to have holidays with a complete family because
one
 of them is still busy
to meet
Change the verb form
meeting
show examples
 their
business
 partners. In conclusion, taking family
members
 can lead to advantages and disadvantages because they can reduce
stress
Add an article
the stress
show examples
 of leaving their family;
however
, they cannot maintain their focus on their
trip
 as well.
Submitted by bhaswarawira on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task but could provide a more thorough exploration of both the advantages and disadvantages. Including additional examples and elaborating on the points made will strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
While the structure of your essay is logical and easy to follow, transitions between points can be smoother. Ensure each paragraph seamlessly leads to the next for better flow and coherence.
language
Some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings occasionally confuse the reader. Reviewing grammar and incorporating a wider range of sentence structures could improve clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your main points.
task achievement
You presented relevant examples, such as scientists attending conferences, which help illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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