There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Nowadays
people
tend to listen to different types of music
. In my opinion, music
has many benefits to people
and traditional music
is a significant type of music
which we should encourage.
To begin
with, the benefit of music
which people
need to listen. First,
music
is supportive of people
’s feelings. Music
often is composed by the writer’s experience relative to emotion and common circumstances that people
may face. Most of the lyrics often
written with encouragement purpose. When Add a missing verb
are often
people
listen
Add the preposition
listen to
song
Fix the agreement mistake
songs
as
similar Change preposition
apply
their
story and gain an encouraging message, they will have the feeling that someone Change preposition
to their
get
in touch with them. Verb problem
is
Therefore
, the feeling of people
will get better. Moreover
, many teachers and parents often use music
as learning media to teach their children. Most children’s songs are composed relative to language vocabulary or basic routine. The easier lyrics and funny rhythm make children enjoyable
with songs. It develops children’s learning skills when they repeat to listen.
Replace the word
enjoy
On the other hand
, one of the famous types of music
is international music
which people
tend to listen.
Change preposition
to.
However
, when we remind
to categories of Verb problem
remember
music
, traditional music
is the most important which people
need to preserve. The culture of humans is experienced through traditional music
that connect
Change the verb form
connects
people
to the past of history and get
Verb problem
lets
we
know about Correct pronoun usage
us
identity
of Add an article
the identity
people
on
the old era. Change preposition
in
For example
, traditional music
of the north of Thailand is
shows Unnecessary verb
apply
slow
rhythm and takes a comfort that illustrates the gentle life of local Correct article usage
a slow
people
. While
music
types in the north-east of Thailand are rapidly that shows the life fast of people
. Therefore
, by the style of traditional music
, we can learn the culture and history of people
.
In conclusion, music
has many benefits for people
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
supportive
Replace the word
supports
people
’s emotions and encourages learning
skills of children. Correct article usage
the learning
In addition
, I believe traditional music
should be given more importance than international music
because it contains cultural
and history of Correct article usage
the cultural
people
.Submitted by jeebjib14 on
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task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic, it could benefit from more detailed examples and clearer explanations. For instance, explain more why music is supportive of people’s feelings and provide concrete examples.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully. For example, the section on how music helps with children’s learning could have more depth. Explain how music helps and provide specific examples.
coherence and cohesion
There were some awkward expressions and minor grammatical errors. Working on these would enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
You can improve coherence by using more linking phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Phrases like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'in addition' can help in ensuring a logical flow.
coherence and cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure your essay effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the question, discussing the benefits of music and the importance of traditional music.
task achievement
You included some relevant examples, such as traditional music in different parts of Thailand, which add depth to your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example