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Writing Samples
Band 5

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

#music #world #country
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Nowadays
people
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 tend to listen to different types of
music
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. In my opinion,
music
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 has many benefits to
people
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 and traditional
music
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 is a significant type of
music
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 which we should encourage.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the benefit of
music
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 which
people
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 need to listen.
First,
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music
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 is supportive of
people
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’s feelings.
Music
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 often is composed by the writer’s experience relative to emotion and common circumstances that
people
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 may face. Most of the lyrics
often
Add a missing verb
are often
show examples
 written with encouragement purpose. When
people
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listen
Add the preposition
listen to
show examples
song
Fix the agreement mistake
songs
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as
Change preposition
apply
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similar
their
Change preposition
to their
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 story and gain an encouraging message, they will have the feeling that someone
get
Verb problem
is
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 in touch with them.
Therefore
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, the feeling of
people
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 will get better.
Moreover
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, many teachers and parents often use
music
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 as learning media to teach their children. Most children’s songs are composed relative to language vocabulary or basic routine. The easier lyrics and funny rhythm make children
enjoyable
Replace the word
enjoy
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 with songs. It develops children’s learning skills when they repeat to listen.
On the other hand
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, one of the famous types of
music
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 is international
music
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 which
people
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 tend to listen
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
However
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, when we
remind
Verb problem
remember
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 to categories of
music
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, traditional
music
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 is the most important which
people
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 need to preserve. The culture of humans is experienced through traditional
music
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 that
connect
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connects
show examples
people
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 to the past of history and
get
Verb problem
lets
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we
Correct pronoun usage
us
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 know about
identity
Add an article
the identity
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 of
people
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on
Change preposition
in
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 the old era.
For example
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, traditional
music
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 of the north of Thailand
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
shows
slow
Correct article usage
a slow
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 rhythm and takes a comfort that illustrates the gentle life of local
people
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.
While
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music
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 types in the north-east of Thailand are rapidly that shows the life fast of
people
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.
Therefore
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, by the style of traditional
music
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, we can learn the culture and history of
people
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. In conclusion,
music
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 has many benefits for
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
supportive
Replace the word
supports
show examples
people
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’s emotions and encourages
learning
Correct article usage
the learning
show examples
 skills of children.
In addition
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, I believe traditional
music
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 should be given more importance than international
music
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 because it contains
cultural
Correct article usage
the cultural
show examples
 and history of
people
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.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

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task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic, it could benefit from more detailed examples and clearer explanations. For instance, explain more why music is supportive of people’s feelings and provide concrete examples.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully. For example, the section on how music helps with children’s learning could have more depth. Explain how music helps and provide specific examples.
coherence and cohesion
There were some awkward expressions and minor grammatical errors. Working on these would enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
You can improve coherence by using more linking phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Phrases like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'in addition' can help in ensuring a logical flow.
coherence and cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure your essay effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the question, discussing the benefits of music and the importance of traditional music.
task achievement
You included some relevant examples, such as traditional music in different parts of Thailand, which add depth to your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional release
  • cultural significance
  • globalization
  • cultural exchange
  • technology
  • preservation
  • cultural heritage
  • social cohesion
  • expression
  • consumption
  • production
  • traditional music
  • international music
  • diversity
  • identity
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