IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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In the contemporary world, different types of
music
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transmit
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are transmitted
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 around the world, which leads the majority of
individuals
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enjoying
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to enjoy
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 the
music
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.
While
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 some
people
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 agree that
music
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 is able to gather
people
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 together from different countries, I partly agree with
this
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 opinion. On the one hand, there are several reasons to prove
this
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 opinion.
To begin
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 with,
music
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 is equal for everyone. As
the
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apply
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society develops, more and more stuff becomes privileged,
such
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 as
the
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apply
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clothes'
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clothes
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 bands or commodities. As
the
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apply
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opposed,
whatever
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wherever
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 you come from,
people
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 have the ability to listen to
the
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apply
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music
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.
For example
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, a singer star planned to have a performance in China. There would be a large number of
people
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 coming from the
global
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globe
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 attending.
Secondly
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, the
music
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 platform is a wonderful route for
individuals
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exchanging
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to exchange
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the
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apply
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perspectives and
making
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make
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 friends. The monument of
citicines
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cities
 using smartphones during
the
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apply
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daily life, when you fancy listening to POP
music
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 on the social platform, you can attract other fans and chat with
people
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 like these singers, who may
of
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be of
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 different ages and come from other places. It is quite a good way to gather
people
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 together.
In contrast
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, there are some reasons for disagreeing.
Firstly
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,
people
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 who come from different countries have a generation gap.
According to
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 the variations of the cultures, some
people
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 may have
bias
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a bias
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 towards
individuals
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 who come from other places. In
this
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 condition, the
individuals
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 who have prejudice express the real thing will push away others. It is said that it would not bring
people
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 together. In conclusion,
although
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music
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 is able to transfer
diverse
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to diverse
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 places to appeal to many
people
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, there are still some special conditions. In general,
music
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 is a good way of bringing
people
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 of different cultures and ages together.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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structure
Work on creating a clearer and more cohesive structure for your essay. This can be done by improving paragraph transitions and ensuring each paragraph clearly addresses one main point.
conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but the conclusion could be more robust in summarizing your points and restating your position more clearly.
supporting evidence
While your main points are relevant, they need more specific examples and stronger arguments to support them fully.
grammar
Address and limit grammatical errors, and work on making your ideas clearer and more comprehensive. This will also help improve the coherence of your essay.
balance
You address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
relevance
Your essay is on topic and you provide relevant points related to music bringing people together.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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