IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
In the contemporary world, different types of
music
transmit
Wrong verb form
are transmitted
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 around the world, which leads the majority of
individuals
enjoying
Change the verb form
to enjoy
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 the
music
.
While
 some
people
 agree that
music
 is able to gather
people
 together from different countries, I partly agree with
this
 opinion. On the one hand, there are several reasons to prove
this
 opinion.
To begin
 with,
music
 is equal for everyone. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society develops, more and more stuff becomes privileged,
such
 as
the
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apply
show examples
clothes'
Change noun form
clothes
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 bands or commodities. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
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opposed,
whatever
Correct your spelling
wherever
show examples
 you come from,
people
 have the ability to listen to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
music
.
For example
, a singer star planned to have a performance in China. There would be a large number of
people
 coming from the
global
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globe
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 attending.
Secondly
, the
music
 platform is a wonderful route for
individuals
exchanging
Change the verb form
to exchange
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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perspectives and
making
Wrong verb form
make
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 friends. The monument of
citicines
Correct your spelling
cities
 using smartphones during
the
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apply
show examples
daily life, when you fancy listening to POP
music
 on the social platform, you can attract other fans and chat with
people
 like these singers, who may
of
Add a missing verb
be of
show examples
 different ages and come from other places. It is quite a good way to gather
people
 together.
In contrast
, there are some reasons for disagreeing.
Firstly
,
people
 who come from different countries have a generation gap.
According to
 the variations of the cultures, some
people
 may have
bias
Add an article
a bias
show examples
 towards
individuals
 who come from other places. In
this
 condition, the
individuals
 who have prejudice express the real thing will push away others. It is said that it would not bring
people
 together. In conclusion,
although
music
 is able to transfer
diverse
Change preposition
to diverse
show examples
 places to appeal to many
people
, there are still some special conditions. In general,
music
 is a good way of bringing
people
 of different cultures and ages together.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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structure
Work on creating a clearer and more cohesive structure for your essay. This can be done by improving paragraph transitions and ensuring each paragraph clearly addresses one main point.
conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but the conclusion could be more robust in summarizing your points and restating your position more clearly.
supporting evidence
While your main points are relevant, they need more specific examples and stronger arguments to support them fully.
grammar
Address and limit grammatical errors, and work on making your ideas clearer and more comprehensive. This will also help improve the coherence of your essay.
balance
You address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
relevance
Your essay is on topic and you provide relevant points related to music bringing people together.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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