IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that people commit crime because of poverty and social problems, while others think it is because of their bad nature. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #crime #poverty #nature
Nowadays, the ratio of crimes is increasing sharply. Some individuals believe strongly that the significant reasons of growing up the rate of crimes are poverty and community issues
whereas
 some groups of thinkers
supporting
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
 the idea
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the awful intrinsic nature of the person is
main
Add an article
the main
show examples
 way to commit crime. Examining the former opinion, the primary argument, the supporters think that the
luck
Correct your spelling
lack
show examples
 of resources and social problems lead people to fall
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
crimes
Change the noun form
crime
show examples
 zones. First of all, because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
poorly
Change the word
poor
show examples
 resources of foundation facilities and food produces in a country, citizens
attending
Verb problem
tend
show examples
 to start researching for legal ways to acquire certain types of food or money to have
suitable
Correct article usage
a suitable
show examples
 life for themself.
In
Change preposition
For
show examples
 instance, the UAE government said:” there are 60% of citizens become
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
due to
 the poverty levels and the family conditions.
Thus
, the government of the UAE work
hardly
Change the word
hard
show examples
 to decline bad actions by providing a great salary for all people who live in the country. On the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
, some
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of thinkers suggest that
null
Correct article usage
the null
show examples
 nature of
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 is a crucial reason to be
a perpetuators
Correct the article-noun agreement
perpetuators
a perpetuator
show examples
.
Firstly
, the incorrect
treatments
Fix the agreement mistake
treatment
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 children by their parents is the dramatical point to
lead
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 their youngsters
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 a bad character in the future. To elaborate more, when parents do not
teaching
Change the verb form
teach
show examples
 their babies the right behaviours and
distinguishing
Wrong verb form
distinguish
show examples
 the appropriate attitudes, they might
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
have unclear
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.
As a result
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young children
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
directions
Fix the agreement mistake
direction
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
because of the unwariness of mothers and fathers. In conclusion, I would say that both points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 are correct because people who have poor backgrounds in childhood
as well as
 awful situations drive to establish an evil individual in the future.
Submitted by sheikha1996mohammed on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Work on improving sentence structure and grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity and readability.
content development
Develop the arguments more thoroughly with additional supporting points and evidence. This will provide a more comprehensive discussion.
coherence cohesion
Edit for coherence and flow between ideas. Use more cohesive devices and transitions to connect ideas smoothly.
organization
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
content support
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the reference to the UAE government, to support the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: