IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some feel governments should invest primarily in educating the young, while others feel this is not a good use of resources. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#feel #governments #resources
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It is argued by some that investing in children's education is a poor use of resources, others suggest that it should be the major focus.
Although
Linking Words
 other sectors like health do require a lot of capital, providing funds for education for youth development takes the highest priority because it is required for a country's progress. Areas like medicine, transport etc always require heavy deployment of money. Without
this
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 aid, healthcare facilities will not be able to upgrade themselves to modern standards. Connectivity inside or outside the border gets limited, thereby reducing the positive impact of trade on the economy.
For example
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, despite being a big city, most of Bengaluru's workforce is located within the 80km radius of the Outer Circle of the city resulting in only those regions being super developed,
while
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 the remaining areas face economic challenges. Having said that, the government's main aim should be to uplift the children of a country by focusing on their
overall
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 development. In order to do so, huge investments from the authorities should flow into public and private schools and colleges. With
this
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 money, these academic institutions would be able to upgrade their infrastructures, hire world-class faculties and scale up to accommodate more numbers. In fact, states themselves can open more of these facilities, even in remote areas.
For instance
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, Delhi's state government AAP has uplifted all the public schools by issuing more monetary support since it came to power. Since
then
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, primary education has seen a huge spike in terms of number of enrollments. In conclusion,
while
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 other departments require financial assistance to improve their facilities from the state heads, the government's primary job should be to assist the universities in the country's holistic development.
Submitted by majumdarnilesh21 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear discussion on both views and offers a strong opinion. However, some main points could be better supported with more detailed examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between paragraphs can be made smoother using more cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph presents a clear and distinct idea that ties back to the main argument. This would further strengthen the logical flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Excellent introduction and conclusion which align perfectly with the essay prompt.
relevant specific examples
Good use of relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, particularly the example of Delhi's state government.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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