Write about the following topic: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

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Although

education is the soul of everything we do, non-academic

subjects

are important too.As we live in a competitive world, kids need to perform exceptionally well in their

domain

Fix the agreement mistake

domains

show examples

. Many people believe that extra-curricular

activities

should be removed, so I totally disagree with

this

statement. Some people worry that

due to

non-academic

subjects

, their kids are unable to concentrate on the major

subjects

. They believe it gives more stress to young people as it is used for nothing. But

according to

me, different

students

have different specialities. There are some

students

who played as a professional player in sports

activities

while

some take cookery seriously as their dream career. If the government excludes extra-curricular

activities

from educational institutes, many

students

will face loss in terms of future professions. Non-academic education is the pious part of life. Physical

activities

play a vital role in physical health and keep

students

motivated. Parents are worried because they are examining

this

from a future perspective.

However

non-academic

activities

motivate

students

to face challenges in life.

Students

might have to use their non-academic

subjects

in case of emergency.

For Example

; if we train

students

to cook food, they will use

this

training in real life too. Learning cooking attributes a plethora of ideas and mental relaxation,

while

academic topics not only bring stress but an unhealthy lifestyle as well.

To conclude

, I would recommend having both academic and non-academic in proper proportion. Our world needs different talents from dissimilar fields to run the world. As small crowds contradict the idea of after-school activity, it is a marvellous idea to keep learning balanced.

Submitted by mubassirakolia78 on Wed Oct 09 2024

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task achievement

Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, such as mentioning studies or anecdotes about students benefiting from non-academic subjects.

coherence cohesion

Ensure ideas flow smoothly between paragraphs. Sometimes the transitions could be more fluid to enhance readability.

task achievement

The essay provides a comprehensive take on the topic, emphasizing the diverse skills and future career paths linked to non-academic subjects.

coherence cohesion

Both the introduction and conclusion are well structured, clearly presenting your stance on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

267 words

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