IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
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In modern society, it is becoming more popular to heal
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 with alternative medical methods
instead
 of visiting their usual
doctors
. And I think that
this
 practice will have negative effects on a human's body.   First of all, health is one of the most costly things that humans have. So, it will be a huge mistake to take health problems
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
seriously. Because there are a lot of different types of illness now, and without professional knowledge,
this
 problem might pose more danger to life than in the first stage of illness. Another danger is the risk of terrible consequences of alternative medical ways. It actually might be a big problem because of
unknowledge
Correct article usage
the unknowledge
show examples
 of their ill type or side effects of preparation.
For example
,   
However
, not all populations can afford to visit
doctors
 on an ongoing basis. That's because attending good
doctors
 is usually expensive. But, in our generation, it is more and more popular to use next-gen alternatives in a range of all spheres, including medicine. I think in the future it would be an actually good alternative to visit
doctors
. If,
for example
, robot
doctors
 will be generated.
This
 will be a sensational innovation, and people could save time and money in the long term.
For example
, a film called Beymax showed a medical robot that was created by humans and named Baymax.
Further
, in the movie Beymax, he was healing a little brother of the creator by using any type of high-technology medicine
all in one
Add a hyphen
all-in-one
show examples
 robot.   
Overall
, it is more sensitive to visiting
doctors
 than using any alternatives.
However
, it might be a very costly thing to acquire for these kinds of people, but in the future, there could be better alternatives to 
doctors
.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

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task response
Your introduction sets a clear context for the essay, but the arguments could be more developed. Make sure each point is fully explained and consider offering counterarguments or other perspectives to strengthen your position.
task response
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. The reference to the movie 'Baymax' is good, but it feels somewhat out of place in a discussion focused on current realities. Instead, use real-life examples where possible.
coherence and cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow of your essay. Make sure each paragraph connects smoothly to the next. Some sentences feel abrupt and could benefit from transitional phrases or more detailed explanation.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. However, try to succinctly recap the main points in your conclusion and avoid introducing new ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
Your concern about the dangers of using unverified alternative medicine is a valid point and is well-presented.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to balance the discussion by acknowledging the financial limitations some people face when accessing conventional medical care.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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