Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Some would argue that the
sports
facilities should be increasing in number to improve individual health
, while
others believe that would have negative results on public health
and there are many other ways to improve it.However
, I firmly support the idea that building more sports
facilites
would help people to improve their general Correct your spelling
facilities
health
but also
need to take care of other effects that may happen.
On the one hand, doing work out in daily life it's very important for general health
. Work outs
and Correct your spelling
Workouts
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
sports
help the body to be more
healthier, Change the word
apply
make
the person more active because of the adrenaline. Correct word choice
and make
For example
, my friend in high school when she feels
sad and lazy, Wrong verb form
felt
she
went to the Gym and Correct pronoun usage
apply
did work
out to be energetic.Wrong verb form
worked
However
, I believe that this
idea just
Rephrase
only
improve
partially not whole the public's Change the verb form
improves
health
.
On the one hand, people’s general health
status could have been improved greatly via exercising. It is proven that working out fastens the amount of oxygen to the brain, helping people be more concentrative and optimistic. Therefore
, lack of physical exercise or insufficient physical movements one’s working performance may be impacted and less productive. For example
, Hanoi citizens are reported to be healthier than they were because of the availability of exercise equipment right at the local parts. However
, I believe that this
measure just
improves partially not whole the public’s Rephrase
only
health
.
In conclusion, building more sports
facilities it's necessary for public health
, but that is
one of many other ways that can help improv
citizen's Correct your spelling
improve
health
.Submitted by daliaakram35 on
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introduction
Your introduction is clear, but it can be improved by explicitly stating both views that you are going to discuss. Try to briefly summarize both viewpoints before giving your opinion.
paragraph development
Your ideas in both body paragraphs are clear, but they can be developed more effectively. One way you can do this is by providing more specific examples and explanations that support the main points.
conclusion
It would be beneficial to conclude your essay with a summary of the main points discussed and restate your opinion in a more succinct manner.
paragraph structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your main points are consistently backed up with relevant examples and explanation.
clarity
You have expressed your opinion clearly in the introduction and conclusion, which is good for task achievement.
organization
Your essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs, making it easy to follow your argument.
understanding
You have made an effort to discuss both viewpoints and provide examples, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.