IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

some people think that compettion at work ,at school, in a daily life is a good things others belive that we should try to cooperate more rather then it .

#people #compettion #work #school #life #belive
Some
individuals
 contend that
competition
 enhances our lives,
whereas
 I,
along with
 others, maintain that cooperation is more beneficial. Stronger relationships and increased innovation are key benefits of a cooperative environment,
according to
 many
people
. They argue that when
individuals
 work together, it fosters trust and builds strong connections, creating a supportive community.
Additionally
, these collaborative settings often spark creativity and innovation, as diverse perspectives contribute to the generation of new ideas.
For instance
, if a new company relies on diverse perspectives, it is likely to create more accurate and effective products.
In addition
 to these benefits, I believe that a cooperative environment empowers
individuals
 to showcase their abilities as they work towards achieving their goals. When
people
 collaborate, they can leverage each other's strengths, provide support, and encourage one another, which enhances
overall
 motivation and increases the likelihood of success. It
also
 plays a critical role in their well-being, because if the environment is supportive and collaborative,
individuals
 are more likely to feel valued and respected.
This
 positive atmosphere can reduce stress and anxiety, leading to greater job satisfaction and
overall
 happiness.
While
 some
people
 argue that
competition
 is the primary motivator for hard work and achieving better positions in life and it should be an essential part of our lives if we want to be winners, I reject
this
 notion.
Although
competition
 can sometimes drive us toward success, it can
also
 distract us from our core goals and create environments where our achievements are not fully recognized .
This
 emphasis on
competition
 can lead to stress and a lack of collaboration, ultimately hindering both personal and collective growth. In conclusion, cooperation should be an integral part of every workplace rather than
competition
, which undermines the fundamental reasons
people
 come together.
Submitted by homa.nazrmian56 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to make your argument more convincing. For instance, you could mention specific studies or instances where cooperation has led to success in workplace or academic settings.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully developed and supported. Some of your arguments could benefit from additional elaboration to strengthen your overall position.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph logically follows the previous one. A stronger emphasis on transitions between ideas will improve the overall structure.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction clearly states the topic and presents your position effectively.
introduction conclusion
You have a strong conclusion that reinforces your main points and restates your position succinctly.
supported main points
Your main points are mostly well-supported and logically structured.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: