IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: These days in many countries, fewer and fewer people want to become teachers, particularly in secondary schools. What are the reasons for this, and how could the problem be solved? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#minutes #topic #countries #people #teachers #schools
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Many
people
 in recent times for accessing
software
 are inclined to share their private
information
 with technological
companies
 in order to access
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
software
. The drawbacks of sharing personal
information
 outweigh the benefits because most of the time, these technological organizations do not maintain the security confidentialities of private
information
. To start with, sharing private
information
 of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 with a
company
 is safe
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
until the
company
 respects the privacy of
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
clients.
However
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies
 do not manage and preserve that
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
information
 properly and
consequently
,
this
 leads to the leakage of sensitive
information
 and puts those
people
’s security at risk.
For example
, in Canada. a significant number of
people
 shared their personal data with a
software
company
, but without their client's consent, there they shared those data
was shared
Verb problem
apply
show examples
with a third party. A large amount number of private
information
 got leaked and made public safety a pressing issue.
Therefore
, if the
companies
 fail to consider the personal safety of their customers, the actual purpose of sharing
such
information
 will
be failed
Wrong verb form
fail
show examples
. Providing personal
information
 to a technological
company
 helps a person to use
software
 for professional purposes.
This
 would help to preserve his valuable data and documents and utilize them when and where needed.
For example
,
people
 in the USA are using the
software
 of numerous
software
companies
 to preserve
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 details, and to do
this
, they want to take the help of technological
companies
.
This
 helps them to perform their professional duties duty.
Hence
, despite the risk of insecurity,
people
 are still interested in sharing to share their
information
 with those
companies
. In conclusion,
people
 share their personal
information
 with technological
companies
 to do their jobs properly, but technological organizations cannot promise zero tolerance in maintaining confidentiality. The drawbacks always outweigh the benefits.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task response
Expand your introductory paragraph to provide better context for your essay. A stronger introduction would help readers understand the framework of your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' and 'Consequently' to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting points directly align with your core argument. This will make your argument more compelling.
task response
Your essay addresses the task and presents an argument about the drawbacks of sharing personal information in exchange for software services, which is relevant to current trends.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion correctly summarizes the main points of the essay, providing a clear stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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