IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones? Why is this the case? Do you think this is positive or negative development?

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There is no doubt that nowadays more and more
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
. In fact, people who spend much time surfing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the internet suffer from many problems. In my opinion, I think
that is
Linking Words
 a negative development for two reasons. On the one hand,
children
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 who spend hours on their phones usually have health issues.
In other words
Linking Words
, parents should be aware
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
children
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's health.
In addition
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, playing a lot of
games
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 on those devices
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 the sight, so many
children
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 these days are wearing glasses.
For example
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, three years ago, my father did a test for his eyes, and the result was
disappointed
Wrong verb form
disappointing
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 because he was spending almost 6 hours using the computer
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, another crucial drawback is wasting time. To explain that, many kids use
smartphones
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 for no benefits only for
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
.
Instead
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 of
utilize
Wrong verb form
utilising
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
a beneficial methods
Correct the article-noun agreement
beneficial methods
a beneficial method
show examples
 like learning and working.
Furthermore
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, some
children
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 play unpolite
games
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 that are unsuitable for their ages. A study concluded that 90% of the websites and
games
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 have no good impact on
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 behavior.
As a result
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, the government should pay attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 that
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not any positive effects. In conclusion, it is noticed at present that a big proportion of
children
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 are smartphone addicts. In my point of view, I believe that
smartphones
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 have some advantages and a lot of disadvantages.
However
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, Phones have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 impact on
the
Change the word
our
show examples
 bodies,
also
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 use mobiles too much because their parents are irresponsible.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic effectively but could benefit from deeper insights and more nuanced arguments. Providing a variety of perspectives would help enhance your response.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your points with additional and diverse supporting evidence. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the use of transitional phrases and words to link ideas and paragraphs more fluidly. This will improve the logical flow and help in maintaining a coherent structure.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences can be more concise. Avoid redundancy to maintain reader's interest and improve clarity.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's opinion, which provides a good starting point for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Conclusion adequately wraps up the discussion, summarizing the key points discussed in the essay effectively.
task achievement
The main points regarding health issues and wasting time are sufficiently supported with relevant examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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