IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with thrir family. Others believe that thid is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #time #thrir #thid
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In
this
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 day and age, people have different views about how
children
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 should spend their leisure
time
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.
While
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 there are some good arguments in favour of the view that they should devote all of their
time
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 to families, I would argue that they should
also
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 invest in other aspects as it would help them develop comprehensively. On the one hand, there is a growing belief that the young generation should solely use their free
time
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 for their loved ones. The first reason is that young individuals nowadays have to spend a huge amount of
time
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 in school, resulting in less interaction with their parents. The relationships between parents and their offspring are considered to be vital for their development,
thus
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 the more
time
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 they spend together, the better.
Secondly
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, there are many inappropriate individuals that youngsters might encounter in their lives, and
children
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 nowadays are considered to be vulnerable and easily exploited.
For instance
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, in Vietnam, it has been commonly reported that
children
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 are the target that bad people take advantage of, especially in terms of money.
On the other hand
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, consuming
time
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 more wisely could open up numerous opportunities for
children
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.
Firstly
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, spending
time
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 to learn new things helps them to find their strengths, and allows them to comprehensively grow.
For instance
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, in Vietnam,
children
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 tend to research new things on the Internet when they are free, widening their knowledge that could help them in the future. Another reason is that attending community service or volunteer work might
also
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 equip them for the future with the necessary skill set.
For example
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, real-life situations and connections offer a golden opportunity to improve their interpersonal, critical thinking and problem-solving abilities. In conclusion,
although
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 both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that
children
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 should be encouraged to spend
time
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 on different types of activities, rather than just with their family.
Submitted by lahuyquan123 on

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured and addresses both sides of the argument. You have a clear introduction and conclusion, presenting a balanced view.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score, ensure that all points are supported with more varied and specific examples. This will make your arguments even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Although the structure is clear, transitions can be smoother for an even higher coherence score.
coherence cohesion
You presented a well-organized essay with a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your viewpoint easily.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, especially with references to Vietnam, which makes your arguments compelling and specific.
task achievement
The essay provides comprehensive and clear ideas about both perspectives, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • bonding
  • values and traditions
  • sense of security
  • nurturing environment
  • emotional well-being
  • social interactions
  • interpersonal skills
  • over-dependence
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • balance
  • peers
  • comprehensive development
  • confidence
  • collaboration
  • diverse environments
  • cognitive growth
  • emotional growth
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