IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Instead of training a few athletes to win medals at the Olympics, governments should spend the money on programmes encouraging the public to be active and stay healthy. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#athletes #medals #olympics #governments #money #programmes
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In
this
 day and age, people have different views on how governments should invest in terms of sports. There are some good arguments in favour of the view that they should pay more attention to public health
instead
 of investing in professional
athletes
, and I personally agree with
this
 notion. On the one hand, there are two primary reasons why training
athletes
 for medals is important for a nation.
Firstly
, a winning medal could serve as a means to build the reputation of a country and unite its people.
For instance
, in Argentina, there is a prestigious football player named Messi who has positively influenced not only domestically but
also
 internationally.
In addition
,
athletes
 after winning a medal always come with a noticeable amount of money.
This
 allows the national economy to be improved thanks to their taxes paid after winning.
On the other hand
, apart from the practical reasons expressed above, I maintain that governments should prioritize creating more programmes to urge their citizens to stay more active.
Firstly
, encouraging individuals to do more exercise helps increase their life span.
This
 enables a nation to have more human resources, which solves the problem regarding the lack of employees.
Secondly
, healthy individuals can reduce the heavy workload of hospitals, which motivates authorities around the world to come up with suitable initiatives.
For instance
, in America, the government implements a policy that for each hundred meters that a resident
walk
Correct subject-verb agreement
walks
show examples
, they would earn a hundred dollars. In conclusion,
while
 there are certain reasons why investing in professional
athletes
 could bring substantial benefits to a country as a whole, it seems to me that spending money to help inhabitants stay active is more important.
Submitted by lahuyquan123 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, which is great. Consider strengthening the connection between some of your ideas for a smoother flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are strong, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to maintain reader engagement.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant but could be more specific or detailed to illustrate your points more effectively. Try to elaborate more on how national pride directly impacts ordinary citizens.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are fully explored in each paragraph. Some arguments could benefit from further development or supporting information.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured introduction and conclusion, making your essay easy to follow. They clearly indicate your stance and summarize your points compellingly.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized with distinct paragraphs for each main idea, demonstrating logical structure.
task achievement
You've employed relevant and specific examples which add value to your arguments. This helps clarify your points to the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reallocate
  • mass health improvement
  • national health issues
  • foster a sense of community
  • boost morale
  • lifestyle
  • public health programs
  • government’s commitment
  • national pride
  • Olympic success
  • physical activity
  • discovery of new talents
  • elite athletes
  • balanced approach
  • physical and mental health benefits
  • inspiring national pride
  • unity
  • elite sports
  • innovation
  • sports science and technology
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