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Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

In the modern era,
students
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 face a lot of pressure related to getting good marks in their
education
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.
Thus
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,
people
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 argue that
co-curricular
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activities
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 like
sports
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 and cooking should be removed from the
school
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 syllabus because in
such
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activities
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students
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 waste their
time
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 argue that after removing
such
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activities
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students
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 will pay more attention to their
studies
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. I don't agree with the statement and I will discuss both points of view in the given paragraphs. To commence with, many
people
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 argue that there should not be any task in the
studies
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 of
students
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 which has a negative effect on their
studies
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 think that
students
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 go to
school
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 for the sake of
education
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 and their parents spend a lot of money on them for the betterment of their lives.
For instance
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,
instead
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 of studying in
school
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students
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 start playing in the schools.
Thus
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, they start participating in non-essential
activities
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 and they waste so much
time
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 playing.
Furthermore
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, in many schools, the
time
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 for their physical
sports
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 period has been decreased because
students
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 have started doing harmful things.
On the other hand
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, In my point of view,
co-curricular
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activities
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 are very necessary for the development of
students
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 because
such
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activities
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 make
students
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 more confident and they start believing in themselves.
As a result
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, their
education
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 starts becoming more better.
Moreover
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, these
co-curricular
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activities
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 make
students
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 leaders.
For instance
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, when I was studying in
school
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 I had problems with my
education
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 and my
sports
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 teacher suggested to regularly take part in
sports
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activities
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.
As a result
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, I became more disciplined in my life which positively affected my
studies
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.
To sum up
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, I think
co-curricular
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activities
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 have a lot of benefits as compared to drawbacks.
Furthermore
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, schools should create a clear division of
time
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 for
students
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 to play and study. These
activities
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 like physical
education
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 should be part of the
school
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 syllabus because they make positive changes in the
students
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states both sides of the argument and your position. The introduction should set a clear context for the discussion that follows.
task achievement
Develop each paragraph with ample supporting evidence and explanations. In your second body paragraph, provide more specific examples to illustrate the benefits of co-curricular activities.
coherence cohesion
Maintain consistency in discussing points of view. Avoid abrupt transitions between arguments. For instance, integrate opposing views more smoothly before countering them with your own perspective.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your work for minor grammatical errors and punctuation to improve readability and flow. For example, add spaces after periods and commas and use conjunctions to connect related sentences.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion by presenting both points of view before giving your opinion, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps to deliver the message clearly.
task achievement
The examples and personal experience you used help to support your arguments effectively, making your essay more relatable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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