IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that people commit crime because of poverty and social problems, while others think it is because of their bad nature. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #crime #poverty #nature
People commit crimes because of the lack of money and communal issues. Even though, it is connected with their bad behaviour. Doing crime is one of the biggest problems around the world. Because they are increasing day to day and
this
 has a negative effect on society. In my opinion
Add a comma
,
show examples
crime is growing because of the high communal taxes.
In addition
, salaries are so low and people can not afford to pay for the taxes and services, after that, they resort to robberies. I think the government should reduce the charges. Next there will not be any robbery.
For example
, in India,the crime rate is increasing, because of the high price of charge. That’s why, the administration should decrease prices for the population. It is not only about the charges, it is
also
 connected with the behaviour of a person. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
children
 learn everything from his or her
parents
.
As well as
parents
 should teach their
children
 well. If
parents
 spend their time only on their work, they will miss the
upbringing
 of their
children
.
After
this
, they will be any kind of robber or person who has bad behaviour. When
parents
upbringing
 them they are able to know what they want to do. If they realize any bad sides in them, they should teach them about
this
. After they can defend themselves from robbery or any bad things.
For instance
, if
children
 do any bad things , especially robbery, they must punish them and
then
 they avoid that thing. So people can defend any bad thing with a good
upbringing
. In conclusion, the government should decrease charges,
although
 everything is connected with
upbringing
.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline your main points.
task achievement
Use more specific and varied examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure better transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Develop each point more fully to provide a deeper analysis.
task achievement
The essay addresses both perspectives on why people commit crimes.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with separate paragraphs for each main idea.
task achievement
Each paragraph addresses a distinct point which helps with clarity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: