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Band 4.5

The number of obese children is growing over the past years. Some say that parents should be punished for letting their child becoming fat. Discuss and give your opinion.

#children #years #say #parents #child
There is no denying the fact that child
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
 has significantly increased over the past years.
While
 it is
commonly
Correct article usage
a commonly
show examples
 held belief that parents must be punished because of
thier overwight
Correct your spelling
their overweight
 child, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that family did not let
thier
Correct your spelling
their
kids
 become fat on purpose cause maybe it is something
hereditery
Correct your spelling
hereditary
.
To begin
 with, obesity for
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 may pose
risk
Correct article usage
a risk
show examples
 to them.
In other
words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 it is going to affect
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 lifestyle for the
wores
Correct your spelling
worse
.
in
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 they will not be able to do
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 normal activities
as well as
 they are going to have a bad
healith
Correct your spelling
health
.
For example
,
kids
 with
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
 might find it hard to climb up the stairs or to walk and from the
healith
Correct your spelling
health
 side they could have a heart attack. Another point to consider, parents can not control
thier
Correct your spelling
their
kids
 all the time. It is possible to say that because
chuldern
Correct your spelling
children
 are stubborn.
Moreover
, parents will not be able to know the
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 that
surrouded
Correct your spelling
surrounded
thier
Correct your spelling
their
kids
 ,
For instance
, in school they might see the other students eating fast food or candy so they do the same thing and take
this
 bad
attiutde
Correct your spelling
attitude
. In
Correct your spelling
conclusion
conclusioon
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, despite people having
a different views
Correct the article-noun agreement
different views
a different view
show examples
,I believe that
wight
Correct your spelling
weight
show examples
 is something that
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
 can not control
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
but there are many
solutiones
Correct your spelling
solutions
 here are some watch
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 food , make them play outside, know
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 friends, do
workout
Correct article usage
a workout
show examples
 in front of them,
give
Correct word choice
and give
show examples
 them some activities to do.
Submitted by daliahmohsn9 on

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grammar
Improve grammar and spelling: Check for common mistakes such as 'thier' instead of 'their' and 'healith' instead of 'health.'
content
Expand on ideas: Provide more detailed explanations and examples to support your points. For instance, discuss how heredity affects children’s weight in the first paragraph.
structure
Develop a clear structure: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and develops a single main idea. This will improve the logical flow of the essay.
content
Clear introduction: The essay starts by clearly stating the topic and the two opposing views, providing a good overview of what is to follow.
content
Practical solutions: You proposed some practical solutions in the conclusion, such as watching children’s food intake and encouraging physical activities.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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