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Band 4.5

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future.

#people #money #future
It is critical for all
people
, including teenagers, to save
money
 for their future. In fact, it is extraordinary for individuals to save their
money
 for the black day. In my point of view, I agree with
this
 occasion for two obvious reasons. First of all, if
people
saved
Wrong verb form
save
show examples
 their
money
, they could utilize them for crucial situations.
In addition
, many
people
 these days advise young
people
 to save
money
due to
 the difficult life that we live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nowadays.
For instance
, my cousin was spending
money
 stupidly, he was not aware of the amounts that he was spending on some products that were for
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
 only.
As a result
,
people
 should save
money
 and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not purchase no-need things.
Secondly
, one of the main reasons to save
money
 is to invest
this
 amount of
money
, so the wealth can grow highly.
Moreover
, wealthy
people
 do use their
money
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
investment
Correct article usage
the investment
show examples
 aspect,
also
 the secret to
be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
successful
Add an article
a successful
show examples
 person is to invest your
money
 and try to enhance your financial side. A study published by King Saud University concluded that 85% of the businessmen around the world use half of their wealth in investment.
Therefore
,
people
 who would fancy
to be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 rich should invest their
money
, and they will have double
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the amount.
Finally
,
money
 should be saved for the future by everybody, including young
people
. In my opinion, I suppose that saving
money
 for the future is significant
due to
 the difficulties you will face like family requirements.
Submitted by moha.aleid2017 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay remains focused on the topic and addresses all parts of the question thoroughly. You have touched on the main points, but trying to expand them could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your ideas and structure them logically to improve readability. Linking sentences and paragraphs using connectors like 'furthermore' or 'moreover' can help in this regard.
coherence and cohesion
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This not only illustrates your argument but also demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You've presented a clear opinion and supported it with two main reasons, which shows a good understanding of essay structure and task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarises the essay nicely, reiterating your opinion and main points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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