In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

Most

people

believe that shopping could be identified as a hobby rather than a usual routine task as it was in the past. I completely agree that

this

tendency has more disadvantages than advantages

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

because these acts can cause

people

addiction

and financial problems.

Firstly

, nowadays majority of humanity has enjoyment from shopping, and

this

has started to increase the development of shopping

addiction

. It is happening

due to

dopamine that comes through buying some new things, and that dopamine disappears very quickly so that

people

want to acquire more stuff that surrounds them. It is unsafe for all

people

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

since it is hard to get out of

this

addiction

For example

, shopping

addiction

is almost the same as an

addiction

to gambling, and

people

really need to cure it.

Instead

of cheap dopamine

people

should get fun from other things, like meditation, reading, jogging etc.

Secondly

, consumption of various things leads

people

to trouble in finance. Since, in current times managers of large stores and shopping malls already know how to get more money from consumers. They improve the marketing sphere of their shops and search for a victim for it.

As a result

, most families will have financial problems

due to

all these confusing products.

For instance

, in the past,

people

went to the shop when they really needed something for a living, and all the founders of stores had no tricky marketing for consumers. In conclusion, thankful for these provided explanations, reasons and examples I strongly believe that regarding shopping as a hobby is a very dangerous delusion.

Submitted by a.seytzhanova on Fri Sep 13 2024

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task response

Try to make your arguments more balanced by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of the trend.

task response

Ensure that your main points are thoroughly explained and developed with clear, specific examples.

coherence and cohesion

Improve the clarity of your essay by using more transitional phrases between paragraphs to better connect your ideas.

coherence and cohesion

Avoid repeating the same ideas and phrases in different parts of your essay; try to present a wider variety of vocabulary and expressions.

organization

Your essay has a clear introduction and a well-defined conclusion.

content

You have effectively identified two main disadvantages of considering shopping as a hobby: addiction and financial problems.

examples

The use of examples such as the comparison between shopping addiction and gambling is effective in reinforcing your points.

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

261 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

consumerism
retail therapy
materialism
disposable income
economic growth
financial instability
environmental impact
social interaction
community building
emotional satisfaction
advertising influence
shopping habits

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