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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centers provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#families #parents #members #grandparents #care #children #childcare #centers
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Nowadays, most family members have to go out
for working
Change preposition
to work
show examples
, including both
father
Correct pronoun usage
their father
show examples
 and mother, because of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 high level of pressure in modern life. Some parents believe that
grandparents
 can take good
care
 of their
children
 and the reason for
this
 view is that
grandparents
 look after only one or two
children
 so they will focus on taking
care
 of them all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
grandparents
 are very close to their
children
, so parents can feel safe and very comfortable when
grandparents
 are with their baby.
While
 the above view might be true, I think that childcare
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 can provide better
care
.
Firstly
, in childcare
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
,
children
 will be taken
care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 skilled teachers with professional methods.
In addition
, in school,
children
 can learn new things every day and have many friends in class
then
 their
children
 communicate
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other.
This
 is definitely better than staying at home as they will not have any buddies
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the same age to talk to. In conclusion, despite the view that staying at home with their loved ones is an ideal
methods
Change the noun form
method
show examples
 to raise
children
, I am of the opinion that it is best to send them to
prechools
Correct your spelling
pre-schools
 when
children
 are at two years old and above.
Submitted by lahuyquan123 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has generally good logical structure and the introduction and conclusion are present. However, your main points would benefit from more detailed and specific examples to support them.
task achievement
Focus on providing clearer, more comprehensive ideas within each paragraph. While your reasoning is generally sound, making your arguments more detailed will strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use complex sentence structures and a variety of linking words to improve the overall cohesion. This will also help your essay flow more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views of the topic and you provide your own opinion clearly in the conclusion.
task achievement
The language used in your essay is generally clear and easy to understand. Your points are logical and follow a reasoned argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a concise introduction and a well-defined conclusion, which helps frame the essay effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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