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Band 4

The gap between the rich and the poor is wider than it ever has been. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve it?

#gap
Nowadays, rich
people
 are becoming
rich
Correct word choice
richer
show examples
 and
rich
Replace the word
richer
show examples
 than before. At the same time, the poor
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 are becoming poor and poor. The possible cause is a lack of awareness from the
government
 to poor
people
. So, to solve
this
 problem, the
government
 must more
focus
 on lower
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
people
.
This
 essay will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 cause and solution. To start with, one of the responsibilities of the
government
 is ensuring and making all of the citizens
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
welfare.
In contrast
, the reality said
different
Change the adjective
differently
show examples
.
For example
, there are a lot of public officials in Indonesia who
did
Verb problem
are
show examples
corruption
Replace the word
corrupt
show examples
.
On the other hand
, 58 per cent of poor
people
 in Indonesia must
striving
Change the verb form
strive
be striving
show examples
 for themselves to eat.
This
 is why poor
people
 become
more poor
Replace the words
poorer
show examples
 because the
government
 itself too much
focus
 to make themselves richer. As a public servant, they must put their attention to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 citizens over their interests.
For instance
, many developed countries,
such
 as
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and Japan, have been focusing
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 poor
people
. Even,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public servants in Japan will resign from their
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governance if they were found
doing
Verb problem
to be
show examples
corruption
Replace the word
corrupt
show examples
.
In other words
, it is about integrity and dedication from the
government
 to the public.
Thus
, if the
government
 have an
emphaty
Correct your spelling
empathy
 for poor
people
, they will recognize their
mistake
Fix the agreement mistake
mistakes
show examples
 and feel
ashame
Change the form of the verb
ashamed
show examples
. After seeing the explanation, a lack of attention to poor
people
 makes the
government
 more
focus
Replace the word
focused
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 becoming richer.
However
, if the
government
 more
focus
 to make poor
people
 live happily and have
emphaty
Correct your spelling
empathy
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 problem like
this
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 not happen.
Therefore
, I hope the
government
 will
put
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 more attention to lower
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
people
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Improve clarity in your ideas by using simpler sentences and avoiding repetition.
coherence cohesion
Structure your essay better with clear and logically connected paragraphs.
task achievement
Use more accurate language and examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your conclusion summarizes your main points effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed both the causes and solutions to the problem.
task achievement
You provided an example to support your argument, which helps in making your point clear.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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