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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #years #time #people’s #lives #adult #life #happiness #spite #responsibilities
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For each person the preferences relating to
life
Use synonyms
 viewpoints are different. Some people argue that teenage years are the happiest during people’s
life
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others consider that
adultnes
Correct your spelling
adulthood
 is a more fascinating
period
Use synonyms
,despite its huge burden. On the one hand,with the feeling of
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 elderly are mature enough to make decisions independently.
Although
Linking Words
adult's
Correct article usage
an adult's
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 is full of challenges, they overcome them
trying
Change preposition
by trying
show examples
 to avoid failures.
For example
Linking Words
,hard
working
Replace the word
work
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 for many years can create an opportunity to travel all over the world and give them a feeling of joy during vacation.
Moreover
Linking Words
,the chances of being promoted in their working sphere
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can motivate them to reach sustainable results in future.From my perspective,
while
Linking Words
 launching projects and putting an effort to achieve them ,they acquire a sense of pursuing their dream career.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
adolescence
Correct article usage
the adolescence
show examples
period
Use synonyms
 is more haphazard without being concerned about
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their living or other problems.
Also
Linking Words
,each trivial achievement brings them happiness and
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
further
Linking Words
 self-development.
For instance
Linking Words
,winning some
olympics
Change the capitalization
Olympics
show examples
 can create a sense of accomplishment and
acquiring
Wrong verb form
acquire
show examples
adventurous
Correct article usage
an adventurous
show examples
spirits
Fix the agreement mistake
spirit
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.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
period
Use synonyms
 gives contributive ground for
exploration
Correct article usage
the exploration
show examples
new
Change preposition
of new
show examples
 things,enlarging skills and making new friendships.
Although
Linking Words
 adolescence is considered
irresponsible
Correct article usage
an irresponsible
show examples
period
Use synonyms
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
true enjoyment is expected in the
matured
Replace the word
mature
show examples
period
Use synonyms
 of
life
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
,people experience definite activities and feelings in each
period
Use synonyms
 of
life
Use synonyms
.Throughout the years people gain the understanding of joyful conditions
due to
Linking Words
 acquiring wider opportunities and
self consciousness
Add a hyphen
self-consciousness
show examples
.
Submitted by inessanazaryan1 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the essay structure by separating ideas into distinct paragraphs. For example, use separate paragraphs for discussing teenage years and adult life.
task achievement
Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation. Ensure there are no spaces before commas and periods, and add spaces after them.
task achievement
Enhance the support of main points with more specific and relevant examples. For example, provide a concrete example of a teenager experiencing happiness in a particular context.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, which is a good aspect for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
The essay indicates an understanding that both periods of life have their own merits, showing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The use of transitional phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' shows an attempt to organize ideas logically.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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