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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, inspite of great responsibilitues. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

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Happiness
Use synonyms
 is an integral part of humans’ lives.
While
Linking Words
 some people argue that, it is
teenagers
Use synonyms
 who experience the highest level of joy in their
life
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, others mention that despite
more
Correct article usage
the more
show examples
responsivities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
show examples
adults
Use synonyms
 have, they have
happier
Add an article
a happier
show examples
 lifestyle. I go
along with
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 the first group’s view, and I will explore both views in the following essay.
To begin
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 with, the less stress
teenagers
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 have, the more they are happy.
In other words
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,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of youngster are free from daily
responsibilities
Use synonyms
 and they have much more free time to do leisure activities
such
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 as playing games, through which they enjoy their moments.
Furthermore
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, the level of interactions
are
Change the verb form
is
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 extremely high among
teenagers
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, resulting in
larger
Add an article
a larger
the larger
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 circle of friends, with which teens can spend their days happily. Apart
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 that
due to
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 their position in families, they always have the family’s full support when they face predicaments. In my opinion,
due to
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 these
factors
Add a comma
factors,
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 they would experience lower
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 of stress and anxiety, leading to a much more happier
life
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.
On the other hand
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, adult
life
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 would create more opportunities to enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life
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 because of being independent. It means that,
although
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 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adults
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 would feel constrained by new
responsibilities
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 after leaving the nest, they acknowledge that there are various opportunities, through which they can seek what they desire.
In addition
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, achieving the childhood dream can bring a deep sense of satisfaction
for
Change preposition
to
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adults
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. I believe, though,
due to
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endless
Correct article usage
the endless
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responsibilities
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adults
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 have
such
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 as
growing
Verb problem
raising
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 their children
as well as
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 overwhelming situations like dealing with
life
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 expenses, they would not find
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
permanent
happiness
Use synonyms
 in their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Their responsibility to keep their children safe and happy,
for example
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, is a heavy burden on their shoulders and they always put their children over themselves. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 in some people’s
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
teenagers
Use synonyms
 experience
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
Use synonyms
happiness
Replace the word
happy
show examples
 period in their
life
Use synonyms
, others believe that people in their adulthood will have a happier
life
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. In my opinion,
adults
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 would not feel
Use synonyms
happiness
Replace the word
happy
show examples
, unless their
responsibilities
Use synonyms
eliminated
Add a missing verb
were eliminated
show examples
 as
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
.

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task
Your essay addresses the task very well by discussing both views and giving your own opinion. However, you could improve by integrating more specific examples to reinforce your points.
coherence and cohesion
While your arguments are generally well-structured and coherent, there are a few areas where transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
language
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and word choices to ensure clarity and precision in your writing.
task
You have provided a clear and comprehensive response to the task by discussing both viewpoints and giving your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively presented, framing your essay well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Fewer responsibilities
  • Sense of freedom
  • Peer pressure
  • Academic stress
  • Independent choices
  • Personal and professional goals
  • Meaningful relationships
  • Job pressures
  • Financial obligations
  • Family commitments
  • Social connections
  • Friendships
  • Romantic partnerships
  • Parenting
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Stability
  • Perception of happiness
  • Carefree nature
  • Sense of purpose
  • Fulfillment
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