IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In their advertising business nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative devlopment?

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Nowadays,
companies
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 try to sell the same
products
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 by using aggressive advertisement policies,
whereas
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, they only make minor changes to their
products
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.
This
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 essay explains why they follow
this
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 way and what the drawbacks are.
Companies
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 invest a
lot
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 of
money
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 to set up their facilities and their
production
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 lines.
Moreover
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, they spend huge amounts of
money
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 on innovations.
Thus
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, they don't want to change their
products
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 in the short term.
Furthermore
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, the meaning of changing
products
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 is changing the
production
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 line. They prefer adding new equipment and making minor changes to the main body of the
products
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.
For example
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, Mercedes has used the same engine and fundamental body shape of the C class since 2015. They have made some replacements on headlights and tail lights. Since they have made a very aggressive advertisement campaign, today the Cseries Mercedes is still the best-seller in the car market.
On the other hand
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, that kind of advertisement policy deceives customers.
Thus
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, people who are exposed to these attractive adverts pay a
lot
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 of
money
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 to buy these polished
products
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.
In addition
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, some individuals pay huge amounts of
money
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 just to show others that they are able to buy these newest
products
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. It means
,
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apply
show examples
 some people work to show off. It is something like
companies
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 lure
money
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 from customers for the same
products
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.
For instance
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, an iPhone 14 user waits in a long line just to have the newest model of iPhone. The only visible change on the new device is a small button. But he aspires to buy it. Because he believes that the new phone will put him to a level in society and he never thinks about how he earns his salary. In conclusion,
companies
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 invest a
lot
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 of
money
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 in their facilities and
production
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 lines.
Thus
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, they don't want to make big transformations in their
products
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. They prefer investing
money
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 in advertisements to changing factories'
production
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 lines.
As a result
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, in my opinion, customers pay a
lot
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 of
money
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 for
products
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 that have minor changes in them. So, people have a
lot
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 of drawbacks when they pay
money
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 for items.
Moreover
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, the way the
companies
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 follow looks misleading to me.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, but it could benefit from clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to guide the reader more effectively through your argument. Ensure each paragraph has a main point and begins with a clear topic sentence.
task achievement
The argumentation is strong, but some points need more fleshing out. For instance, expand on how aggressive advertising specifically deceives customers and its broader implications.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the Mercedes C-series and iPhone, effectively supports your arguments, making your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and succinctly summarize the main points of your essay, providing good closure.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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