In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What’s the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?
In the majority of countries, juveniles might be encouraged to
work
in a part-time job. In other words
, it is argued by some that more and more youngsters are eager to work
during their studies. I strongly disagree with this
idea and in this
essay, I will explain the same circumstance in my country and I will also
present some benefits and drawbacks of working young
Change preposition
with young
people
.
It is believed by some that youngsters should work
in part-time jobs
. Some people
may think if teenagers
initiate to
Fix the infinitive
apply
work
, they will experience new things when during their work
. That is
to say, not only can young people
find new opportunities when they work
, but also
they can be familiar with job's
atmosphere and cope with it. Correct article usage
the job's
Moreover
, it is considered by some that juveniles may not have this
chance to earn a considerable amount of money and effort their costs unless they work
in a part-time career. Some people
may believe that learning an occupation can help youngsters in the future, especially in some countries with an awful economic situation. Take my country as an example. This
is because,
a lot of Remove the comma
apply
people
encourage teenagers
to work
in some jobs
.
I am personally against with
Change preposition
apply
this
idea due to
some significant reasons. Change preposition
for
Firstly
, if teenagers
do part-time jobs
, they may not have sufficient time to study. In my perspective, although
, working in
youth might have various advantages, it can take Change preposition
with
juveniles'
time Change noun form
juveniles
do
their tasks in schools. Fix the infinitive
to do
Secondly
, some jobs
might be challenging for young people
and it often takes a lot of time to be compatible with their career. In my view, if young people
concentrate on their studies, they will achieve their goals sooner.
To conclude
, there is no doubt that working part-time can lead to new experience
and opportunities or earn some money for Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
youngstres
. I personally thinkCorrect your spelling
youngsters
,
it would be better for Remove the comma
apply
teenagers
to focus on studying their lessons, in particular
, some students who are into studying, as working part-time might be tough and time-consuming for teenagers
.Submitted by TUTOO on
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task response
Your essay presents a clear stance and addresses both the situation in your country and the general advantages and disadvantages of part-time jobs for teenagers. However, you need to deepen your discussion on both aspects to fully achieve the task response criteria. For instance, more detailed examples and explanations on how the economic situation in your country impacts teenagers’ decisions to take part-time jobs would help strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are generally well-organized and logically structured, but there are some areas where clarity can be improved. Make sure each paragraph has a clear, specific main point and supporting details are directly linked to the main point. Additionally, transitions between ideas can be smoother to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps delineate the structure of your essay. This is a strong point in terms of coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You make good use of conjunctions and phrases such as 'that is to say' and 'moreover', which aids in the clarity and flow of your essay.
task response
Your essay addresses both positive and negative aspects of part-time jobs for teenagers, showing a balanced discussion of the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example