In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What’s the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

In the majority of countries, juveniles might be encouraged to
work
in a part-time job.
In other words
, it is argued by some that more and more youngsters are eager to
work
during their studies. I strongly disagree with
this
idea and in
this
essay, I will explain the same circumstance in my country and I will
also
present some benefits and drawbacks of working
young
Change preposition
with young
show examples
people
. It is believed by some that youngsters should
work
in part-time
jobs
. Some
people
may think if
teenagers
initiate
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
work
, they will experience new things when during their
work
.
That is
to say, not only can young
people
find new opportunities when they
work
, but
also
they can be familiar with
job's
Correct article usage
the job's
show examples
atmosphere and cope with it.
Moreover
, it is considered by some that juveniles may not have
this
chance to earn a considerable amount of money and effort their costs unless they
work
in a part-time career. Some
people
may believe that learning an occupation can help youngsters in the future, especially in some countries with an awful economic situation. Take my country as an example.
This
is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
a lot of
people
encourage
teenagers
to
work
in some
jobs
. I am personally against
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
idea
due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
some significant reasons.
Firstly
, if
teenagers
do part-time
jobs
, they may not have sufficient time to study. In my perspective,
although
, working
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
youth might have various advantages, it can take
juveniles'
Change noun form
juveniles
show examples
time
do
Fix the infinitive
to do
show examples
their tasks in schools.
Secondly
, some
jobs
might be challenging for young
people
and it often takes a lot of time to be compatible with their career. In my view, if young
people
concentrate on their studies, they will achieve their goals sooner.
To conclude
, there is no doubt that working part-time can lead to new
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
and opportunities or earn some money for
youngstres
Correct your spelling
youngsters
. I personally think
,
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apply
show examples
it would be better for
teenagers
to focus on studying their lessons,
in particular
, some students who are into studying, as working part-time might be tough and time-consuming for
teenagers
.
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task response
Your essay presents a clear stance and addresses both the situation in your country and the general advantages and disadvantages of part-time jobs for teenagers. However, you need to deepen your discussion on both aspects to fully achieve the task response criteria. For instance, more detailed examples and explanations on how the economic situation in your country impacts teenagers’ decisions to take part-time jobs would help strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are generally well-organized and logically structured, but there are some areas where clarity can be improved. Make sure each paragraph has a clear, specific main point and supporting details are directly linked to the main point. Additionally, transitions between ideas can be smoother to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps delineate the structure of your essay. This is a strong point in terms of coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You make good use of conjunctions and phrases such as 'that is to say' and 'moreover', which aids in the clarity and flow of your essay.
task response
Your essay addresses both positive and negative aspects of part-time jobs for teenagers, showing a balanced discussion of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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