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Band 3.5

Technology have developed very fast in the past 100 years. However, some people think that technology progress has brought negative effect on humanity. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#technology #years #people #progress #effect #humanity
The modern world communicates and collaborates through advanced
technology
 that has developed over the past century.
Eventhough
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Even though
technology
 has brought positive progress certain people believe that
he
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 has brought negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on humanity. In
this
 essay, I will
eloborate
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elaborate
 on to what extent I agree or disagree. On one hand,
technology
 has increased the storage, processing and transferring capabilities over the past few years
while
 shrinking in size and increasing power efficiency. The portable devices
transmits
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transmit
show examples
analyzes
Correct subject-verb agreement
analyze
show examples
 and
tarnsmits
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transmit
 data saving time and space.
For example
,
smart phones
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smartphones
show examples
 nowadays can perform a large array of complex tasks that a computer was able to perform 100 years ago. The advancement has brought in accuracy in
manfucaturing
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manufacturing
 by minimizing errors.
On the other hand
,
technology
 is replacing jobs that can be efficiently and effortlessly performed compared to humans
while
 saving workforce problems.
In addition
,
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and social media (
e.g
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e.g.
 Facebook) have grown into a
dysinformation
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disinformation
 network causing polarization and disturbance in social harmony, leading towards chaos.
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Moreover
show examples
More over
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Moreover
show examples
, the resources to build these machines and networks have polluted and caused
imbalance
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an imbalance
the imbalance
show examples
 in the environment compared to other In conclusion,
technology
have
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has
show examples
 successfully progressed towards efficiency and the negative effect on humanity will totally depend on how we use it for our own and collective
purpose
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purposes
show examples
 to improve
over all
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overall
show examples
 communication to
ehance
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enhance
 our lives.
Submitted by onlineconsumer on

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task achievement
Your essay provides relevant points, but some elaboration is needed for a more comprehensive response. For instance, provide more specific examples and deeper analysis of the arguments to strengthen the essay.
task achievement
Work on improving the clarity of your ideas. Sentence structures could be clearer, and some ideas need more development to ensure they are fully understood.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally structured well, some transitions between points are abrupt. Ensure smooth transitions to enhance flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which provide a good framework for your essay.
task achievement
The main points of your argument are evident and supported with relevant examples, which is a strong aspect of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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