IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that parents should devote more time to helping kids with school work, others think that they should allocate more time to play sports with their kids. Discuss the both these views and give your own opinion

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Parents
Use synonyms
 should invest more
time
Use synonyms
 in helping their
children
Use synonyms
 with
school
Use synonyms
 work because it helps to make the parent-child bond strong.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should be the primary teachers of their
children
Use synonyms
 because they understand their
children
Use synonyms
 better than their teachers.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when
parents
Use synonyms
 teach their
children
Use synonyms
 about their
school
Use synonyms
 stuff,
children
Use synonyms
 quickly learn them. It is because they love and trust their
parents
Use synonyms
 more than their teachers. In Japan,
for instance
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are advised to help their
children
Use synonyms
 with their
school
Use synonyms
 homework because
children
Use synonyms
 feel more encouraged to concentrate on their studies if they are taught by their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I think that
kids
Use synonyms
 should be taught
school
Use synonyms
 lessons by their
parents
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, some
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 argue that
children
Use synonyms
 should spend more
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing with other
kids
Use synonyms
. There are
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of benefits of playing with peers.
Children
Use synonyms
 can share their learnings and ideas with each other if they play with others.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can get the experience of playing in a team and they learn to take care of others
while
Linking Words
 playing with other
kids
Use synonyms
. Learning to play with other
kids
Use synonyms
developes
Correct your spelling
develops
 a child's ability to work in a team.
children
Use synonyms
For instance
Linking Words
, in Australia, those
children
Use synonyms
 who play with their peers are more cooperative with others in the future.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should be given the chance to play with their peers in their free
time
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, it is better to play with other
kids
Use synonyms
 than
spending
Change the verb form
to spend
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with
parents
Use synonyms
 and
taking
Verb problem
get
show examples
 help with homework.

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task achievement
The essay should include a balanced discussion of both views along with a clear personal opinion more consistently throughout the essay.
task achievement
Work on presenting your ideas in a clearer manner to ensure they are comprehensive and easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow by using cohesive devices effectively to link your ideas and sentences seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to maintain a consistent structure by including a more defined introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Expand on main points with additional support to strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, which add depth to the arguments presented.
task achievement
The key points of both perspectives are addressed, showing a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates an effort to present a balanced view before concluding with your own opinion.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • academic tasks
  • educational achievement
  • instills discipline
  • tailored support
  • learning difficulties
  • fosters physical health
  • encourages teamwork
  • builds resilience
  • stress relief
  • emotional and psychological well-being
  • well-rounded approach
  • comprehensive growth
  • nurturing
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