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Band 7

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
There is one idea about encouraging
kids
 by holding competitions to provide
this
 condition for them. Another thought is that teamwork or cooperation is much more useful for them rather than competing to become more useful adults. In my point of view, both ideas are correct and must complete each one but I think cooperating is more practical.
According to
 the first opinion,
competition
 is not just one element of being an adult at all but it is so practical. Regarding
this
, the condition of
competition
 provides
such
 stressful moments for
people
 to learn how to control themselves and try to find solutions to get rid of the challenges.
In addition
, if a person achievements in a match, he becomes confident and brave enough to do hard work. On the other side, the result of failing is not always bad because they can learn how to find their mistakes and improve them to be prepared for the next
competition
.
Although
competition
 has many benefits, other
people
 disagree with
this
 idea. They think that
children
 should learn how to co-operate with other peers.
In other words
, teamwork is a kind of ability that
kids
 learn to share their skills in a group to do a task.
For instance
, in a music class, a teacher teaches how to play music individually and how to have harmony in melody and lyrics to give a good feeling to the audience. In general, each member of a team should be expert in his field and
also
 try to work together as a team.
Besides
, cooperation is good practice for
children
 to learn how to behave with each other. In my opinion, cooperation teaches
kids
 to be united with a mutual goal and try to sacrifice themselves in a critical situation.
To sum up
, some
people
 think that a sense of
competition
 in
children
 should be encouraged.
While
 other
people
 believe that
kids
 must learn to co-operate to be useful adults in future. Two ideas can be correct, but teamwork is more valuable and takes a lot of time for
children
 to learn
this
 concept and use it in their lives.
Submitted by brightstargalaxy on

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task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view on both sides of the argument and includes a clear opinion. However, it could benefit from a more detailed and thorough discussion of each point.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are generally well-organized and the essay flows logically. However, transitions between sentences and paragraphs can be improved for smoother reading.
task achievement
Specific examples help support the arguments, but more varied and detailed examples could strengthen the essay further.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be clearer and more concise. Avoid overly complex sentence structures that may confuse the reader.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets up the topic and your stance is clear from the outset.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion summarizes the main points and restates your opinion effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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